“Why We Chose Vlad”
• Fought for and won independence from Ottomans
• Championed republican values by eliminating entrenched aristocrat interest groups
• Youngest man ever to be awarded Order of the Dragon
• Although known for torturing and mutilating small animals, no history of dog fighting
• Eliminated need for hat racks in Romania owing to propensity to nail headgear directly to guests
• Lowered crime rate by means of impaling, scalping, and skinning offenders, commonly known as “One Strike and You’re in Agony” rule
• Credited with first OTC remedy for iron-poor blood
• Coolest action figures