This would be a trifle funnier if it were not that smoking is, in fact, an anti-depressant and might indeed prolong life by making suicide less palatable.
In order to reduce CO2 emissions from cigarette smoke, the EPA is requiring, by 2025, all smokers to capture second hand smoke emissions in quart size canisters specially fitted with wax lip mouth openings. When the canister is full, the wax lips are easily sealed by gently heating them with the flame of most brands of over the counter cigarette lighters. The canisters may then be placed at curbside for weekly pick-up and delivery, (smokers with two or more pack a day habits are requested to call ahead to schedule bulk recovery), free of charge, to nursing homes, insane asylums, and penitentiaries, to be used in the much anticipated, (and deeply buried in H.B. 22L8 “National Hemorrhoid Suffers Appreciation Day”), HHS mandated pilot euthanasia program, “Q.U.I.T.T.”, (quack utilitarian inhalation termination technique). As an incentive to participate, smokers may select the institution destination of their preference.
As a side benefit to “Q.U.I.T.T., institutional respirational CO2 emissions are expected to decrease dramatically in as little as two years after initial diagnosis. Smokers may then look forward to becoming eligible to purchase CO2 off-set credits based on these institutional CO2 nano-gram savings.
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