Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: Dr. Skeat is called in to Old Town after a series of brutal murders of shopkeepers, in which the only clue is that someone has crossed off the final E in “Olde” and “Towne” on all their signs.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: How to fit a camel through the eye of a needle in three easy steps.
Northern Broadcasting System: Chug (drama). In this new dark retelling of the Little Engine That Could story, a half-crippled old steam locomotive is obsessed with conquering the monstrous snow-capped mountain that blew out one of his piston rods, a mountain that symbolically represents all the unanswerable questions of life.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Al is laid off from his job as Emperor of the World and has to go to work at a fast-food joint where Hephaestion is a regular customer.
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: A special musical episode.
The Women’s Channel: TV for Women (women). 24-hour programming representing male programming executives’ latest theories on what women really want to watch.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: With a tip jar containing $23 and three baristas dividing it among them, Travis begins to think he should have paid attention in math class.
The Lawnmower Channel: Indoor Mowing (documentary). How you can devote two or three rooms of your house to grass for mowing fun all year round.
Science Central: The Mysteries of Space (documentary). Tonight: Scientists and philosophers tackle the unsolved problem of why there is never any more space in the linen closet no matter how many towels you throw away.