Pope Celestine V (not to scale).
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Dear Dr. Boli: The newspapers keep saying that the Vatican has no idea what to do with a retired pope. If that’s true, do you have any suggestions? —Sincerely, Paolo “Cardinal” Bernini, Vatican City.
Dear Sir: It is not true that the Vatican has no idea what to do with a retired pope. When Celestine V retired, a perfectly workable protocol was established: his successor immured him in an inaccessible cell in Rome until he rotted away, and then gave him a magnificent funeral. This protocol is still in effect, and there is no reason to deviate from it in the case of Benedict XVI. The only new question since Celestine’s time involves the pontifical ruby slippers, which magically return the pope to the Sistine Chapel once he has absorbed a suitable nugget of homespun philosophy. It has been decided that, as a corollary to the Celestine protocol, the retired pope must hand over the slippers.
February 27th, 2013 | 10:51 pm | #1
My understanding is that the retiring Pope has voluntarily given up the ruby slippers; see here. No information yet on the secret decoder ring.
February 28th, 2013 | 10:13 am | #2
It was also said that Celestine V had voluntarily locked himself in a dank and disease-ridden Roman dungeon—after, of course, he had slipped away from his minders and nearly managed to escape to Dalmatia before being captured.
March 2nd, 2013 | 11:43 pm | #3
[...] of Pittsburgh drops out at the last minute. Right now the Vatican is cheerfully implementing the Celestine Protocol, but in a smoke-filled room somewhere near the City-County Building in Pittsburgh there are men [...]
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