TO: All Employees
FROM: The President
RE: Quarterly Dividend
All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., have experienced some anxiety since the 20% layoffs last month. It is useless to pretend otherwise. You may think that, in my position of exalted responsibility, I would have nothing to worry about, but I assure you that that is not the case. There are days when I think that if I hear any more sniveling from the cubicles I shall simply “lose it,” to use a colorful vernacular term, although I am not sure what “it” is supposed to be, and why I should be unduly distressed about losing “it” when I could just send my administrative assistant out to get another of “it.”
I must tell you candidly that the layoffs were not without stress for your executive team. In order to produce the maximum cost savings for our quarterly numbers, it was necessary to rid ourselves of the most expensive 20% of the workforce (exclusive of management, of course): that is, the workers who, by their intelligence, hard work, and loyalty, had earned the highest salaries and the most in bonuses. It required actual work on one of those math boxes with the numbered buttons to identify these people. In fact, it was exactly the sort of work that would usually be assigned to the best and brightest in the company, but for obvious reasons it had to be done without their knowledge.
Today, however, I am sure you will be delighted to hear that our hard work in identifying and firing the overachievers has paid off handsomely, and with the money we saved on salaries and benefits we have been able to increase our quarterly dividend from 8¢ to 9¢. Not only does this demonstrate our confidence to the stock market, but it also has a direct effect on executive compensation, which is highly motivational for your executive team.
I wish once again to convey to you how much the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., values the intelligence, hard work, and loyalty of its employees, especially in the upcoming quarter, during which we hope to be able to raise the dividend to 10¢, thus reaching the double digits for the first time and sending a strong message to stockholders that we have their best interests at heart. To do so will require dedication, perseverance, and another 20% cutback in the workforce by the same method as before. However, with the information you have now, you should be well aware of what you have to do to be one of the lucky 80%.
With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney,