The Dormont Medical Association’s Walk to Cure AIDS, previously scheduled for this coming Saturday, has been canceled. Last Saturday’s Walk to Cure Brain Cancer was well attended, and yet there is still brain cancer. Nor will we speak of the miserable failure of our Walk to Cure the Common Cold, which seemed so promising at the time. In fact, not a single one of our walks has cured the disease it targeted. We are beginning to harbor suspicions as to whether walking is effectual at all in the treatment and prevention of these diseases. Even stronger measures may be necessary, and we have reluctantly concluded that it is best to focus our efforts on giving some sort of financial support to medical research. The General Committee will meet to discuss this new approach Thursday evening at 7 p.m., and members are asked to bring ideas for fundraising activities.

If you purchased a Giant Inflatable Good Friday Yard Crucifix from Wenslowe’s Holiday Yard Ornament Emporium, please return it at once to the dealer. The Consumer Product Safety Commission has determined that the Wenslowe Giant Inflatable Good Friday Yard Crucifix is egregiously tasteless and contributes to the degradation of aesthetic standards in neighborhoods where it is installed. Each Giant Inflatable Good Friday Yard Crucifix will be replaced with a Wenslowe “Strange Fruit” brand Deciduous-Tree Easter Bunny Hanging Set at no additional cost to the consumer.