“Everybody else is doing it” is an excuse seldom accepted by elementary-school teachers or parents of six-year-olds. In the publishing business, however, it is not merely an excuse, but rather has the force of a commandment. Thus, as everyone else is doing on this last day of the year, we pause to take a short look backward at the year that is passing.

In January, we remembered the famous Peace Conference at Pleasant Springs, in which Chief Green Hat rejected the proposal of the United States government to remove his tribe westward. We also heard another installment of the exciting Captain Pleonasm radio serial—an episode in which Captain Pleonasm meets Pipefinger.

In February, the passing of James Windbreaker Klunk, the noted futurologist, brought forth an interesting obituary. We also presented Dr. Boli’s Infallible Weather Indicator as a gift for the amateur meteorologists among our readers.

In March we had a collection of slogans for fortune cookies, a form of literature very popular among some readers. For the education of the young, we presented Science Experiments You Can Do at Home. Many of those young readers, though perhaps not all, survived into April.

In April, we explained how the Internet works. We also explained why the days get longer in the spring. We were on a bit of a bender.

Dire Predictions made us a bit nervous in May, but we were prepared to protect ourselves by watching alertly for suspicious activity.

In June, we debunked a spurious Hawthorne quotation, which was hard work, but now that the work is done the last bit of false information has been eliminated from the Internet. We then turned our attention to the matter of world peace, which we secured through confusingly similar flags.

We learned how to be a cat in July, We also ran an exclusive report on the White House’s controversial regulation of Orthodox theology.

In August, we sorted out the causes of the Civil War. Our Brief Glossary of Common Terms in Academic Literary Criticism was praised by a number of readers who were not academic literary critics.

In September, Dr. Boli acquired First Things magazine, which he is frankly still trying to figure out what to do with. We also learned how to tell the temperature from a cricket’s chirping,

In October, we met some remarkable cats. We ended the month with A Frightening Story for Halloween Night.

In November, we learned the proper etiquette for televisions in public places. November was also the month in which The Crimes of Galahad was published, an event that marks the maturity of the American novel as an art form.

In December we were given an exclusive extract from Irving Vanderbolck-Wheedle’s romance Hypericum, which may remind certain readers of Longfellow, or may not. Finally, December was the month in which we looked back at the rest of the year 2012, and no one is happier than Dr. Boli to have that out of the way.

Dear Dr. Boli: I am confused. The National Rifle Association, forced due to the failed Mayan Apocalypse to make a statement about the latest school shooting, recommended as a solution more guns in schools and a national registry of the mentally ill. Am I mistaken? I thought such a list already exists—the membership list of the NRA. —Signed, Listless and gunless in Pittsburgh.

Dear Sir or Madam: As Mr. Wayne LaPierre, the chief executive of the Association, points out, many political figures use national tragedies for selfish political gain. Fortunately Mr. LaPierre’s organization is above such pettiness. A calm and rational examination of the facts proves that, as Mr. LaPierre points out, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Furthermore, the only thing that stops a good guy with a gun is a bad guy with a bigger gun, and you can see that there is no theoretical end to this cycle. Not only will all citizens need to arm themselves, but Mr. LaPierre’s inescapable logic will force them to replace their inadequate weapons frequently with arms that can respond to the latest threats posed by the bad guys, or by the good guys, in the case of those citizens who choose to play on the other side of the game. American companies that make and sell the weapons will prosper and grow into even greater powers in both the economic and the political arenas, at least until there are no Americans left. It is the NRA’s calm consideration of the incalculable economic benefit to be derived from a climate of constant fear and hatred that distinguishes its statements from the irrational appeals to mawkish sentimentality we hear from other quarters.

Nor should we accept any of the specious arguments from those on the other side who point out that other countries with much stricter controls on guns have much less gun violence. As any good patriot can explain, this has nothing to do with the laws. America has more gun crime only because Americans are much worse than people in other countries. Only our guns preserve us from our brutal and degraded American nature. If we had stricter controls on guns, the violence in this country would be apocalyptic.

As for the proposal that every citizen who has ever exhibited any signs of mental illness should be registered in a national database that would keep track of his movements, exclude him from a wide range of workplaces and neighborhoods, and be available to law-enforcement agencies, employers, school administrators, insurers, credit-reporting services, real-estate agents, and malicious hackers, you must remember that Mr. LaPierre makes this proposal because the NRA’s first priority has always been your freedom.

A list of things the spelling checker thought might be more likely than “gung-ho,” which it did not recognize as English. Dr. Boli commends his electrical editor for its dung-ho attitude in seeking out potential mistakes.

Dear Dr. Boli: What is the proper etiquette for televisions in public places? I was in a waiting room this morning with at least thirty people. Twenty-eight of those people were trying to read, or attempting conversations, or staring out the window. Two of them were watching the enormous television, which was blaring some obnoxious program about the pressing problem of teenage girls who run drugs for their abusive first cousins or some such nonsense. Now, it was clear that twenty-eight out of thirty people would rather have had the television off. But no one dared to touch it. What is the etiquette in that situation? —Sincerely, A Teenage Girl Running Drugs for Her Abusive First Cousin (no relation).

Dear Miss: Etiquette is the body of unwritten opinion embodying the common sense of a given culture as to what is proper and what is not. By that standard, the answer to your question is this: current etiquette holds that, in such a situation as you describe, the two who wish to watch the television take priority over the twenty-eight who do not. You may easily prove Dr. Boli’s statement by standing up and turning the television off: a receptionist or other very minor authority figure will instantaneously appear and take you to task after the manner of a Marine drill sergeant. And no one will stand in the way, because everyone knows that televisions in public places must be left to babble to themselves, even when no one wants to watch them.

This is the answer to the question you asked; but it is not a very satisfactory one, is it? That is because etiquette, while usually a very good guide, occasionally slips a cog. There was a time in Roman history when it was proper etiquette—which is to say, the thing any good member of proper society would do—to turn Christians over to the authorities to be thrown to the beasts. There was a time in American history when it was proper etiquette in certain states to lynch citizens of African descent who tried to vote. There was a time in German history when it was proper etiquette to throw bricks through the windows of Jewish shops. These things were wicked, but proper. And, while Dr. Boli does not wish to compare the prevalence of televisions in public places to lynch law or the Holocaust, he does believe that we have here another case where the machinery of etiquette has ground its gears and is no longer functioning reliably.

What can be done? The noble thing, doubtless, would be to take a public stand, even at the cost of martyrdom. But perhaps it is not necessary to go to such extremes. Most of these televisions are controlled remotely by infrared signals, and surely you must have noticed that “universal” remote controls have filtered down even into the dollar stores. It would cost very little money to slip a small remote control into one’s pocket, and it would not take very long to learn to adjust the thing for the most common brands of televisions. The rest Dr. Boli, who does not wish to be perceived as inciting disorderly conduct, leaves up to your imagination.

—

LEARN WICKEDNESS THE PAINLESS WAY—BY EXAMPLE.

The Crimes of Galahad, now available in paperback, for Kindle, or for Nook.

Hey! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form?

I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having problems finding one?

Thanks a lot! —SEO Cardiff [note that Dr. Boli has removed external links for security reasons].

Dear Sir or Madam: Get off at the Wood Street subway station and walk up Sixth Avenue past Trinity churchyard and the Duquesne Club. Cross Smithfield Street. Just past the Brooks Brothers store on the left is a tiny alley, eternally shaded by skyscrapers, with a street sign identifying it as Montour Way. Turn left into this alley and walk back through the gloom of centuries to a tiny and immemorially old brick rowhouse on your right, identified by a green ribbon on its door-handle. Knock three times at this door, pause, and knock four times more. When the door opens a crack, announce that you have come to see Al about a captcha. You had better spell it out—C-A-P-T-C-H-A—because if the man at the door misunderstands you, you may end up with something you did not expect. Make sure you bring unmarked bills, none larger than a twenty.

Danger may lurk in the most innocuous-looking playthings. A report from the National Consumer Information Agency warns parents that these toys in particular may pose unacceptable hazards to young children, and recommends buying them for children you don’t like.

Adventure Boys brand Old Pioneers Log Cabin Kit. Logs in 1:1-scale model may be dropped on feet.

Pretorius Scientific Novelties Junior Wizard Chemistry Set. Includes potentially unstable chemicals. Fortunately, most lots were destroyed in a mysterious warehouse explosion last Saturday.

Junior Thrill Seekers Complete Chainsaw-Juggling Outfit with Three Working Chainsaws. Strangulation hazard: small children may become entangled in starter cords.

Masterpiece brand Introduction to Calligraphy Art Set. Children may write inappropriate messages to one another with included pens and ink on included parchment paper.

Marvel of the Ages Oracular Fun Board. Children may be possessed by demons.

—

CORRUPT A YOUNG MIND TODAY

The Crimes of Galahad, now available in paperback or for Kindle.

From Your Department of Homeland Security.

—

All patriotic citizens are reminded that, under Section 28, Subsection 4, Paragraph 192 of the PANIC Act, whispering is prohibited, regardless of the content of the communication. If you have something innocent to communicate, there can be no possible objection to allowing the rest of us to hear it. Your cooperation will help us protect honest Americans from terrorism and dissent.

Citizens are also reminded that, under Section 28, Subsection 6, Paragraph 312 of the same Act, it is forbidden to mention having read or received this Notice.

In addition to the well-known Democrats and Republicans, a number of other political parties field candidates that sometimes appear on the ballot in your district. Many of these parties did surprisingly well in the recent election.

The Socialist Workers Party believes that the socialist revolution is just around the corner. In the recent election, the Socialist Workers candidate received 3,741 votes, all of them from upper-middle-class Birkenstock-wearing Volvo-driving intellectuals who will be the first against the wall when the socialist revolution comes.

The Libertarian Party believes in liberty of individual action, and in particular in the freedom of wealthy individuals to exploit and enslave the poor. If the poor want freedom, let them inherit a billion dollars like normal hard-working Americans.

The Cheese Party supports a strong dairy industry. Although presidential candidate Mavis Stilton did not appear on any ballot, she received one vote, which according to exit polls was cast by Irma Stilton, her sister.

The Bloc Orégonais promotes Francophone identity in the 1300 block of Reeves Avenue, Portland, Oregon. For some reason as as yet unexplained by political analysts, this party polled more than 13% of the vote in Nebraska.

The Fred Smith Party has vowed to place a man named Fred Smith in the White House by 2024. In 2012, presidential candidate Fred G. Smith received six votes.

To: All Employees
From: The President
Re: Election Day

My fellow employees:

All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co. have our various duties. There are the sales representatives, whose duty is to make sure all our purchasers have a pleasant experience. There are our accounting wizards, whose duty is to be ever vigilant so that that not a penny is lost from the ledger. There is the receptionist, whose duty is to see to it that anyone who calls on the telephone is directed to Vaclav in Customer Service, so that Vaclav can practice his English. There is that guy who watches the coffee machine all day—I’m not sure whether he was hired to do that, but anyway you get the idea.

But there is one duty we all share, and that is to be good citizens of this great country of ours. That’s why I’m delighted to announce a new employee benefit program that will actually reward our Team Members for serving their country. It’s simple: all you have to do is go out and vote on Election Day, and you’ll see a bonus in your next paycheck. We’re even making sure you have time to vote, and there will be a chartered motor coach in front of the building at 10 a.m. to take you to the polls.

This program is being implemented through an innovative partnership with the Vot-O-Mat Corporation, makers of the electronic voting machines used in our fair Commonwealth. Through this partnership, we’ll be able to know exactly which of our employees voted on Election Day. Even more exciting, we’ll be able to know which employees voted in the best interests of our beloved country and which ones were filthy traitors who voted against everything true patriots hold sacred, so that we can determine exactly how to distribute the appropriate rewards.

So don’t forget to do your duty for the country you love. And don’t forget to mark the time you spend voting as “vacation” on your time sheet.

With Warmest Regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney, President.

It is a known fact that no single factor more affects the outcome of a presidential election than the number and placement (placement being more important than most people realize) of candidates’ yard signs. These signs, approved by the General Directorate of the Fringe Party, may be printed in tabloid format; click on each image to download a PDF file.