Miss Augustina Flaxen, the blonde bombshell of Catholic broadcasting, has been fired from EWTN after her insensitive remarks about Dominicans yesterday. An EWTN spokeswoman said that Miss Flaxen had already been “skating on thin ice” after her use of the term “papists” in the annual Ash Wednesday Star-Studded Spectacular broadcast had provoked a few polite but disappointed emails from viewers. Miss Flaxen’s agent told a press conference that his client has already received some very attractive offers from the Mormons.

Thank you for ordering this transcript of Episode No. 17 of Driving Instructor, the hit Dumont reality series that follows a suburban driving instructor as he teaches eager young teenagers how to drive. Dumont makes these transcripts available for educational purposes only. By reading this transcript, you agree to be bound by the User Agreement, a copy of which may be found in the vault at Dumont headquarters if you are a trained safecracker. You also agree to indemnify and hold harmless the Dumont Network and its employees, contractors, and suppliers from any liability for damages resulting from paper cuts or eyestrain.

—

All right now, Tiff—is that what you said you like to be called? Good. Now, let’s start by backing up. No, wait a moment, Tiff. You’re forgetting what we talked about. What’s the first thing you do before you put the car in gear? That’s right. You call somebody on your cell phone. You can just call me, and then we can talk by phone while you drive. Of course I’ll still be right here beside you, but it’s the principle that’s important.

Now we’re ready to back up. Put it in R and back up. Why are you waiting? No, if you wait for every toddler who wanders behind your car, you might as well stay parked all afternoon. Now give it some gas. I want to smell rubber. Great! You’re a natural. And see? The toddler jumped out of the way anyway. They always do.

Now we need to get out of the parking lot. Lots of accidents happen in parking lots, so the less time you spend in one the better. You should head for the exit as fast as you can. Get it up to at least forty. Great! Now, you see where it says “Do not exit”? That’s where I’d go out. They just put that sign there to keep the exit clear of riffraff, like those dopes who are lined up at the traffic light over there.

Turn right when you get out to the street. There’s a long empty space with no traffic, so right now would be a good time to brush your hair or touch up your eyeliner or something. You’ve got plenty of time. Wait until the next clot of traffic gets good and close. It’ll be a minute. Okay, now go! Perfect! Did you hear the brakes screeching?

Okay, now keep going down this street for a while. You see that car in front of us? The one that’s moving at a steady speed? Whenever there’s an object in front of you moving at a steady speed, you should always rush up to it as close as you can and then slam on the brakes. That lets people know you’re serious about driving, and it keeps your brakes in good condition. A bit faster. Faster than that. Now slam. Good job! Now, the speed limit here says it’s 45, and this jerk in front of us is going 45. Are you going to let him get away with that? Start flashing your lights and honking your horn. Honk again. Keep honking until you get a reaction. There! See that? When he raises one finger like that, that’s the universal sign that he acknowledges the justice of your argument. Always remember, your right to break the speed limit cancels his right to obey it.

Now we’re going to turn left. No, don’t signal yet. Remember, turn signals cost five dollars a flash. You have to save them up. Now, up at this four-way stop is where we’re going to turn. Four-way stops are tricky, but the rule is pretty simple: no matter how many cars get there before you, you only have to wait for one of them. And stop. No, I don’t mean stop all the way. If your wheels stop rolling, someone else is going to go first, and then you lose. It’s a very competitive world out there at the four-way stop. Now go, and as you’re turning flick on your signal for two flashes. Careful you don’t drop the phone. Don’t worry about the horn: that’s just some guy who doesn’t understand the rules. Hurry up and flick off the signal! You let it go for an extra flash there, Tiff. That’s fifteen dollars right there.

You should be accelerating a lot faster than that. Don’t be timid, or people will get ahead of you, and the one thing you never want to have is a slower car in front of you. And don’t worry about wasting gas. Gas will be practically free when we conquer the rest of the Middle East. This street is kind of narrow, with cars parked on both sides, so it’s important not to slow down. You don’t want people to think you’re a coward. Just grit your teeth and step on it. And don’t worry about the mirror on that Lexus we just passed. Mirrors are a dime a dozen.

We’re coming up on a traffic light now, so speed up a bit. It’s turning yellow now, so step on it. Remember, the rule is that, if you saw it when it was green, you can go through. Good work! You made it before anyone else started into the intersection. Pedestrians don’t count.

Now, I want to ask you a serious question, Tiff. Have you been drinking? No? Well, let’s park in front of Guy’s Hotel up there in the next block. They never check ID, and you could use a couple of stiff ones before we get on the Parkway.

The Greater Blandville Creative and Performing Arts High School’s Rap Department presents Verdi’s Aida, Saturday at 7 p.m. in the main auditorium.

All this weekend, the Western Pennsylvania Model Canal Society will be offering free tours of its quarter-acre HO-scale model of the Western Division Canal in the basement of the Consolidated Receipt Co. building.

The Department of Environmental Services will be holding its annual Recycling and Reuse Fun Fair Sunday afternoon from 2 to 4 p.m. All of last year’s exhibits will be on display again.

Third Reel Films is looking for sixteen real zombies to work as extras. Anyone  who works in a cubicle is invited to audition Saturday afternoon at 2:45.

Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: Dr. Skeat is called in to Old Town after a series of brutal murders of shopkeepers, in which the only clue is that someone has crossed off the final E in “Olde” and “Towne” on all their signs.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: How to fit a camel through the eye of a needle in three easy steps.

Northern Broadcasting System: Chug (drama). In this new dark retelling of the Little Engine That Could story, a half-crippled old steam locomotive is obsessed with conquering the monstrous snow-capped mountain that blew out one of his piston rods, a mountain that symbolically represents all the unanswerable questions of life.

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Al is laid off from his job as Emperor of the World and has to go to work at a fast-food joint where Hephaestion is a regular customer.

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: A special musical episode.

The Women’s Channel: TV for Women (women). 24-hour programming representing male programming executives’ latest theories on what women really want to watch.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: With a tip jar containing $23 and three baristas dividing it among them, Travis begins to think he should have paid attention in math class.

The Lawnmower Channel: Indoor Mowing (documentary). How you can devote two or three rooms of your house to grass for mowing fun all year round.

Science Central: The Mysteries of Space (documentary). Tonight: Scientists and philosophers tackle the unsolved problem of why there is never any more space in the linen closet no matter how many towels you throw away.

Holmes & Watson (premiere). First episode of Dumont’s eagerly anticipated entry in the contemporary-Sherlock-Holmes genre. Tonight: Obsessive and reclusive consulting detective Sherlock Holmes is forced to accept the companionship of “Dr. Watson,” an adorable capuchin monkey. Check local listings.

A NEAR-RIOT marred the premiere of Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle’s new experimental drama Exeunt Omnes last night, as hundreds of disgruntled patrons demanded their money back. According to one ticket-holder, as soon as the curtain rose, all the actors walked off stage and never came back. In an email exchange, Mr. Vanderblock-Wheedle said that his play is a witty and ironic commentary on modern society’s demand for incessant entertainment, and as such was worth every penny of the ticket price.

Dear Dr. Boli: One year ago on this day, I happened upon a vehicle bearing a “BLANDO” plate on Murray Avenue. I have kept the area under the keenest observation ever since, but I have seen no sign of the famed magician and heard no rumor of his plans. Has your staff any information on his activities? —Warmest greetings and regards, LCNSLVR.

Dear Sir or Madam: The Great Blando, for various reasons, is not allowed to operate a motor vehicle at present, so the vehicle you saw must have belonged to one of the many minor Blandos. It may be of interest to you and other readers, however, to hear some news of Mr. Blando since he retired to private life. For the past eight months, he has been working the drive-through window at a pierogi parlor in Esplen. He is prohibited by the conditions of his parole from giving acrobatic recitations in public, but his parole comes to an end on August 31, and from that moment he is a completely free man. To the questions often put to him about the possibility of a comeback, however, he resolutely refuses to make any other reply than “Do you want that with or without onions?”