IN HONOR OF the fifth anniversary of his celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some favorite articles and advertisements from the past five years.

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PARENTS! FAMILIARIZE YOURSELVES with the new rating system for computer games. It’s designed to put you in control of what you allow your children to experience.

This game is designed to educate as well as entertain. If it is bought, it will probably never be installed; if installed, it will probably never be played; if played, it will certainly never be played again.

This game is one of the infinite number of slight variations on the ancient Chinese game of Mah Jongg, with a few animations thrown in in a feeble attempt to make it seem new and interesting.

Characters use mild language, invariably addressing one another with politeness and civility. Such games may badly distort a child’s view of the real world.

You have to kill identical trolls in exactly the same way about four hundred thousand times to get to the next level.

Game play involves activities normally associated with minimum-wage jobs, such as flipping burgers or maintaining the grounds of a country club. Some studies suggest that such games are behind a sharp rise in teenage suicide rates.

Minor characters and villains are offensive ethnic stereotypes.

The game abounds in locked doors that open when you solve a puzzle.

Installing the game without crashing Windows is the most challenging part of game play.

No matter how careful you are with the installation, the game will not run. It is therefore suitable for all ages.

Dear Dr. Boli: I’ve been having an argument with my girlfriend. I say superhero movies are way better when they’re completely faithful to the comic book. She says she wants to go see some stupid play by Noel Coward instead. Who do you think is right? —Sincerely, A Man Waiting in Line at the Cine-Googleplex.

Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not impressed by a movie unless it demonstrates rigorous fidelity to the back of the cereal box. (He feels exactly the same way about plays by Noel Coward.)

TRY BEING SARCASTIC, because it’s not like anyone in your audience has ever heard anyone being sarcastic before.

Shout. Any statement becomes witty if it is shouted in a loud voice. Try it with the streetcar timetable.

Humor arises from the unexpected. If your audience is not laughing, try sending a confederate to sneak up behind them and beat them with sticks.

Speaking of the unexpected, here’s a tip from the pros: Vulgar language per se is always funny, because no one ever expects to hear it from the mouth of a comedian.

Consider flatulence. The mere fact that human beings have digestive processes has been entertaining audiences since Aristophanes, and there is no indication that it will ever stop entertaining them.

Remember that women think this way, but men think that way. You can build a career as a comedian on this simple observation.

Mention a figure from popular culture, such as a prominent reality-show contestant. It is not necessary to fabricate a joke or witticism on the subject: it is sufficient merely to mention the name.

If you belong to an ethnic minority, congratulations! You are already funny, and need only exaggerate the majority’s stereotyped impressions of your ethnic group’s speech patterns and character flaws.

Pay attention to trends in humor. What was funny ten years ago is still funny today…NOT.

Miss Rutherford Mysteries. When two slices of bacon go missing from Miss Rutherford’s breakfast, Miss Rutherford suspects her dog Jemmie. Starring Dame Wilhelmina Frimp as Miss Rutherford, with special guest Anthony Quagga as Jemmie. Check local listings.

MISS UNA CORDA, the notoriously shy concert pianist, gave her first recital in months last night at Heptagon Gardens. She performed Liszt’s transcription of Berlioz’ Symphonie Fantastique on a Yamaha digital grand piano with the headphones plugged in.

Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious wowed guests at his album-release party with an impromptu rap in 5/4 time. According to sources at the party, no one understood what Felonious said, but all the guests declared themselves deeply moved.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, was the subject of committee hearings in the commonwealth House of Representatives this morning. Her constant companion, state representative Albert Cardoon, is under investigation for allegedly having spent money earmarked for mass transit on strings and resin.

Bozar the Clown is still in the hospital tonight, and more details have emerged about the incident. According to witnesses, he had been turning off television screens in Big Jake’s Sports Bar on McKnight Road during a Penguins game. A hospital spokesman said that Bozar was in serious but stable condition.

Broken Spindle Studios announced yesterday that filming of the first Captain Pleonasm feature has been resumed after a ten-month delay occasioned by a dispute with star Theodore Naphtha. Naptha, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, had objected to some revisions in the script and demanded additional “stupid pay” before he would speak the lines. The studio finally determined that filming could continue without the star, who will be replaced in the finished picture by a digital effect.

Second Series.

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Football (American). Of all the professional football teams in the United States, only two are named for poems: the Baltimore Ravens and the McKeesport Coy Mistresses.

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Are you misinformed yet? A modest investment can be the auspicious beginning of a lifetime of boorish ignorance.