THE SCHEDULED PERFORMANCE by Mr. Herbert Herbertson, the noted ventriloquist, featuring Jeremy, the world’s only mute ventriloquist’s dummy, has been postponed indefinitely. Jeremy has come down with laryngitis. The management of Memorial Hall regrets the inconvenience to patrons, and wishes Jeremy a speedy recovery.

Dear Dr. Boli: At the retail establishment where I work, the management has decided to switch to a “smooth jazz” format for the piped-in music on the overhead loudspeakers. What is “smooth jazz”? I ask because I am tone-deaf myself, so all I hear is various buzzing noises. —Sincerely, A Team Member.

Dear Sir or Madam: ”Smooth jazz” is the result of a Faustian bargain in which jazz musicians sell their immortal souls in return for the privilege of being heard in shopping malls and middlebrow restaurants all over the country. Jazz with the soul thus removed has none of the rough edges and sharp corners normally associated with the genre. Most musicians who are enabled in this way to make a steady living find that they do not miss their souls very much and can do without them quite comfortably.

It is worth noting that “smooth jazz” seems to have been fading in popularity over the last few years. Satanic pacts do generally come with expiration dates, and it is possible that “smooth jazz” musicians are now facing their dark overlord’s inevitable demand for payment. It is possible, also, that you are participating in their agreement with the powers of darkness merely by working in an establishment that plays their music. But you will probably not miss your soul any more than they do, if indeed it has not already been crushed out of you in the normal course of your employment.

Incidentally, your description of the ”smooth jazz” you hear as “various buzzing noises” suggests to Dr. Boli that you may not be tone-deaf at all.

DISSATISFIED WITH THE ratings of its old new fall lineup, the Dumont Network has announced an entirely new new fall lineup, featuring several new one-hour dramatic series. “Diversity and variety,” said Mr. Sid Pandarus, director of programming, “are the hallmarks of our new schedule.” Among the new programs scheduled:

Walkies. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Rosina Pym, whose extensive experience as a dog-walker to busy suburbanite families gives her a unique perspective on crime.

The Dadaist. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Marcel de Ballon, a Dadaist poet who keeps babbling until he accidentally spews out the solution to the crime.

The Librarian. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Miss Urquhart, whose intricate knowledge of the Dewey Decimal and Library of Congress cataloguing systems puts every form of information at her fingertips.

Mr. Fins. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they rely on Mr. Fins, an Amazon River dolphin who lives at the city aquarium and solves crimes in his spare time.

The Detectives. When a group of amateur detectives from various disciplines can’t solve a case by themselves, they dial 9-1-1 to summon the city police.

THE TENTH STREET bridge last night was once again the setting for the filming of the movie One Shot, starring Tom Cruise in blackface as famous Courier photographer Teenie “One Shot” Harris. This is Mr. Cruise’s first blackface role, but insiders on the set say he has shown a natural talent for the technique. Mr. Morgan Freeman was also on the set yesterday, playing the great Pittsburgh mayor David Lawrence. By a curious coincidence, this is also Mr. Freeman’s first whiteface role.

MISS DIANA SMOULDER, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, was seen and heard having a lively argument with longtime companion Albert Cardoon, whose matinee-idol good looks catapulted him to Harrisburg as a state representative last year. The subject of their dispute was not immediately known, except that, according to witnesses, Miss Smoulder objected to Rep. Cardoon’s use of the phrase “rusty hinge” in some context.

Eccentric rap artist MC II Kule released a new album called Trapped in a Glass Box last night at the Rex Theater. The album consists entirely of songs in Mr. Kule’s new “Mime Rap” style, in which gestures and facial expressions take the place of lyrics. The album will also be available for download as MP3 files.

Poet and novelist Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle was at a book signing in Monroeville yesterday when the pen slipped out of his fingers, fell on the floor, and rolled right under the table. He said it was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life, and he ought to write a book about it, humor being the one genre he has not attempted yet.

Twice-divorced reality-TV breakout star Brandy Schnifter is tying the knot again. Her new fiance is currently employed as a department-store mannequin in the men’s department at Rosenbaum’s. Friends say Miss Schnifter has told them that at last she has found the perfect man.

BRITISH ROCK LEGEND Sir Jeremy Freakout, who famously sold his soul to the devil on stage at Wembley Stadium in 1972, was said to be “apoplectic” yesterday, after Satan returned the soul and politely but firmly demanded a refund.

Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: Anonymous threats written in a clumsy undergraduate attempt at Moeso-Gothic lead Dr. Skeat to suspect that one of her old students has never forgotten his D minus.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “How Would Jesus Vote?” Detailed instructions for choosing candidates for controller, county council, and registrar of deeds.

Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: In the series finale, chain stores buy out all the storefronts on Main Street, and Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin develops a mysterious ailment that makes him act normal.

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: “The Corinthians are revolting!” says Hephaestion. “You can say that again!” says Alexander. Will they be able to overcome their fits of giggles before the Persian ambassador arrives?

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Our ancestors used to use wooden clubs. Were they morons or what?

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Burgess’ Weekly Address (public affairs). Highlight: List of residents exiled to Brentwood in this week’s purge.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek’s attempt to refill the tape dispenser ends badly.

The Lawnmower Channel: The Vegetable Garden (documentary). How to eliminate common vegetables and other broadleaf weeds with herbicides, preserving the purity of your lawn.

Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: Although the show was canceled weeks ago, it still somehow continues to haunt the Science Central network once a week.

EXTRAS ARE REQUIRED for the filming of the new remake of Cocteau’s Le Sang d’un poète, starring Eddie Murphy. Filming will include explosions and a car chase with multiple wrecks. Extras will not be compensated, but survivors will be eligible to purchase one commemorative coffee mug at the discounted price of only $5.95. Apply at the trailer in front of the City-County Building, unless the cops make us move it again.