THE DUMONT NETWORK announces a world exclusive event at 8 p.m. tonight: the first network television broadcast in 4D. Tonight’s very special episode of Harsh Words, the hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist, will not only include three-dimensional photography (visible with the special 3D glasses available at all Food Festival supermarkets), but will take place in time as well. This revolutionary four-dimensional process allows a plot to unfold from beginning to end, one event after another, just as if it were happening in your own living room.

Caution: Viewers are strongly advised to make sure they have no appointments scheduled before 9 p.m., since, by means of the revolutionary Dumont 4D broadcasting process, they will be projected forward in time by one hour during the course of the program.

THANK YOU FOR welcoming Miss Diana Smoulder, the Ravishing Heartthrob of the Hurdy-Gurdy, to your concert venue. As you are doubtless aware, world-class artists have exacting standards, which must be met in order for their performances to rise to the level of excellence we expect from them. Miss Smoulder requires certain conditions in order to perform at her best, and these conditions are enumerated in this section of her contract with you.

1. Limousine drivers are required to wear Richard Nixon masks at all times.

2. Miss Smoulder shall be driven on concrete highways only. No asphalt.

3. Miss Smoulder’s dressing room must be an exact duplicate of the Audience Chamber at Topkapi Palace as it was decorated in 1719.

4. Catering staff must provide five saltine crackers from which the salt has been removed with tweezers.

5. Each time Miss Smoulder says something intended to be witty, staff must laugh for no fewer than twelve seconds per incident.

6. No one shall be permitted to work with or near Miss Smoulder who is unable to recognize when she is saying something intended to be witty. In cases of doubt, the decision of Miss Smoulder shall be final.

7. One member of staff, male, between eighteen and twenty-three years of age, blond, with well-defined musculature, shall be deputed to act as a footstool for the duration of Miss Smoulder’s stay, and shall be retained by Miss Smoulder as a souvenir of her visit.

8. Members of the audience who do not applaud with sufficient enthusiasm shall be subject to fine and/or imprisonment.

9. The enumeration in this Contract of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by Miss Smoulder.

10. If for any reason Miss Smoulder is forced to cancel her performance at the last minute, she will graciously consent to return the five saltine crackers, or the unused portion thereof.

AUDITIONS WILL BE held this Saturday for contestants in a new Dumont reality show to be titled America’s Next Reality-Show Contestant. According to Mr. Sid Pandarus, Dumont’s Director of Programming, the show, planned for next season, will feature twenty-six “real people” competing for one prize. The last contestant standing will win the chance to compete on a Dumont reality show the season after next. Producers are looking for a type of contestant described as “attractive, hysterically emotional, and not too bright.” If you think you fit this description, and are prepared to sign a legally binding agreement waiving your dignity, come to Memorial Hall this Saturday at 1 p.m.

BROKEN SPINDLE STUDIOS announced yesterday that filming of the first Captain Pleonasm feature, which had been scheduled for release in August, has been temporarily suspended as a result of a dispute with star Theodore Naphtha. Sources at the studio say that Naphtha was unhappy with some of the dialogue in the rewritten script and demanded additional “stupid pay” before he would speak the lines. Naphtha, a classically trained Shakesperean actor, is best known for his role as Irv in the 2006 comedy Herb and Irv Hit Themselves on the Head with Hammers. There is no word yet on whether this delay will affect the new darker reboot of the Captain Pleonasm franchise, which is being filmed concurrently for scheduled release in September.

IF ONE OF your characters must be shown using a computer, remember to specify that the computer must have its own unique operating system, not shared with any other computer on earth. People didn’t come all the way out to the theater and pay ten bucks just to see Windows or Linux; they can see those at work every day.

Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: When a serial killer in Los Angeles leaves messages in Lancastrian dialect, the FBI calls on Dr. Skeat again.

The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “Intelligent Design.” How the existence of televangelists proves that there is an omniscient and omnipotent Creator.

Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: Facing possible cancellation now that the fad for quirky comedy-dramas has passed, Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin calls in a few favors to have a regional crime lab transferred to Quirkville.

Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: Al gets hit on the head and wakes up with amnesia. Can Hephaestion hit him on the head again to restore his memory without getting himself killed by the imperial bodyguard?

Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: A tour of the new golf-cart simulators in the clubhouse at Oakmont.

Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: The burgess dissolves borough council and rules by decree.

Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Passed over for the assistant night-shift supervisor position again, Anna takes her revenge by miscounting the sporks.

The Lawnmower Channel: The Chickweed Menace (documentary). Dramatizations of real-life encounters with this ruthless invader.

Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: The team is horrified to discover that that the sensitive equipment they have been using to monitor signals from beyond the grave has actually been picking up KDKA radio.

IN VALLEY LEAGUE baseball today, the Munhall Chipmunks defeated the Duquesne Anarcho-Syndicalists by a score of 38-0. This is a depressing season opener for the Anarcho-Syndicalists, who last season won only one game when the Portvue Pixies failed to show up because they had decided to go out for gelato instead.