I was getting really annoyed with my neighbor De Wayne’s constant use of the phrase “Hot diggety,” so I decided to go over and kill him so I wouldn’t have to hear it anymore. But when I got there, De Wayne told me that murder was against the law!
Can you imagine it? Here, in the land of freedom, a man can’t murder anyone, even if he really wants to! Well, that’s it for the principles of limited government that our Founding Fathers were so proud of. I mean, why would they have guaranteed us the right to bear arms if they were going to turn around and say we couldn’t use them? That’s why we Southerners fought and won the Civil War, so that a bunch of northern liberal commies wouldn’t be able to tell us what to do with our guns or our slaves.
But now the pinko socialist regime of Comrade President tells me murder is against the law. You know where else murder was against the law? Stalin’s Russia, that’s where! I never thought I’d live to see the day when free American citizens would be forced to live under the same laws as the oppressed masses in the Soviet Union. But you notice how you never hear about the Soviet Union anymore? That’s because it was a giant sucking failure, because they had laws that made murder illegal.
Well I, for one, am not going to take this lying down. If this country is going to turn all pinko, then I’m going to find some place where they understand what freedom is really all about. I’m already packed, and tomorrow I’m going to move to Syria, where they know how to deal with pinko radicals and Islamic fundamentalists. And I encourage all right-thinking Americans to follow me there. If all the people who think like me moved to Syria, this country would be a better place.
——Sincerely, Jefferson D. Walnut,
Famous Rock Star
A HOMELESS MAN was arrested on Smithfield Street last night and charged with vagrancy. The charges were later dropped when the man showed officers a wad of $20 bills, as the vagrancy laws quite clearly state that it is poverty and not homelessness that constitutes the crime.
Bozar the Clown has been arrested again, this time charged with changing the channel on televisions in several local restaurants. According to police reports, Mr. Bozar switched from the sports channel to a station running a documentary on the life of Stanford White. He is now in Woodville State Hospital for observation.
A county special-operations team was summoned to an alien landing site in Schenley Park yesterday. The officers determined that the alien beings came in peace and meant no harm, but were driving their space vehicle on an expired registration.
Police responded to a 911 call alleging that the hamburgers at the Burger Yurt on Wabash Avenue were consistently overdone. Having procured samples, responding officers agreed with the anonymous caller and arrested the manager of the Burger Yurt, charging him with mail fraud because the advertisements carried in this week’s Pennysaver specifically promised “juicy burgers.”
According to police statistics, crime in the immediate vicinity of doughnut shops continues to be more than 8,000% higher than the metropolitan average. A police-union spokesman said that maintaining a strong law-enforcement presence in the affected areas is therefore absolutely essential.
The advertisement you carried yesterday for the Dumont Network’s new program, Ineffable or Unspeakable?, was a slap in the faces of the sizable minority of good and ordinary American citizens who, through no fault of their own, have glowing yellow hoops floating over their heads. It is bad enough that we have to endure the jeers and innuendos of the lowest ranks of society every time we walk down the street, without having a prominent broadcasting network reinforcing the ridiculous stereotypes we persons with hoopheadedness have spent so long trying to erase from the public consciousness. How would you like it if everywhere you went people asked if you were a saint or an angel, and you had to deny it a dozen times every day? It is bruising to the ego, to say the least. The Dumont Network should be ashamed of itself for approving this advertisement, and I would seriously consider boycotting their stupid game show if there were anything else worth watching in that time slot.
Gabriel St. John Raphael,
GRANT BOROUGH COUNCIL has abandoned its attempt to tackle the obesity epidemic by requiring all sugary drinks served at fast-food restaurants to taste really bad. According to a study commissioned by the council, 23 out of 26 commercially available soft drinks tested already meet the proposed criteria for tasting really bad, but people drink them anyway.
THE ROCOCO-COLA Bottling Company has announced plans to confront its rivals in the shelf-space war with its new ten-and-a-half-ounce bottle, which will now be offered in all Rococo-Cola brands, including Rococo-Cola, Rococo-Cola No Caffeine, Rococo-Cola Real Sugar, Rococo-Cola Reduced Caffeine, Diet Rococo-Cola, No-Calorie Rococo-Cola, Rococo-Cola Zilch, Sugar-Free Rococo-Cola, Low-Sugar Rococo-Cola, Rococo-Cola Transparent, Rococo-Cola Cherry, Rococo-Cola Lime, Rococo-Cola Vanilla, and Rococo-Cola Tastes Like Chicken. The ten-and-a-half-ounce bottle joins the regular six-ounce, eight-ounce, twelve-ounce, sixteen-ounce, twenty-four-ounce, liter, two-liter, three-liter, and half-liter sizes, as well as the nine-ounce and eleven-and-a-half-ounce cans.
PROMINENT SOCIETY SPINSTER and philanthropist Miss Alida Fortescue-Montague-Finch made a very moving speech at last night’s charity ball in support of the Fortescue-Montague-Finch Foundation, a charity founded by her father that provides inner-city youths with proper cummerbunds and waistcoats in an effort to keep them “off the streets.” Miss Fortescue-Montague-Finch told the story of a young man who formerly spent his days among the very dregs of society, but made a complete reformation when he received a black paisley waistcoat from the Foundation, and has now established a “waltz gang” for at-risk youth that meets at his local community meth lab. Thirty-two cummerbunds and eighteen waistcoats were collected at last night’s ball, nearly equaling the record of thirty-four cummerbunds and seventeen waistcoats set back in 1963.
UNDER THE IMPRESSION that he was joining the John Birch Society, Mr. Oswald Theodoric “Theo” Wren, the noted anti-immigration activist, discovered last night that he had mistakenly joined a similarly named club devoted to recreational flogging, whose members, oddly enough, were mostly immigrants from Guatemala and El Salvador. Mr. Wren is listed in serious but stable condition at Memorial Hospital and is expected to make a full recovery, with the exception of a slight impairment in his dignity.
A “WHITE PRIDE” rally downtown erupted in chaos this morning when it was discovered that the caterer had inadvertently supplied the sandwiches on whole-wheat bread instead of white. None of the fourteen participants in the rally were injured, but witnesses reported seeing the sidewalk smeared with mayonnaise for as much as half a block.