Dear Dr. Boli: Someone told me just recently that the Internet was a series of tubes. Is that true? I thought it was more like a giant fungus. —Sincerely, A Woman with a Master’s Degree in Computer Science.

Dear Madam: Neither one is quite correct. After having looked at Facebook, Pinterest, Movellas, WordPress.com, Blogger, and similar sites, any reasonable observer would be forced to conclude that the Internet is a great big wire-bound notebook with hearts and unicorns scribbled on it in ballpoint pen.

Knowing the future has been a tantalizing but elusive goal since the dawn of humanity, and magicians and soothsayers have made use of many different forms of divination in their attempts to predict what will happen tomorrow:

Cartomancy, by means of cards.

Necromancy, by means of the spirits of the dead.

Neccomancy, by means of the cracks in Necco wafers.

Vexillomancy, by means of the flutterings of flags raised for the purpose.

Satsumancy, by means of the relative sizes and shapes of the segments of a Satsuma mandarin.

Massagallinariomancy, by means of the distribution of fried chicken nuggets spilled from a bag.

Nancymancy, by means of the comic strips of Ernie Bushmiller.

Fistulomancy, by means of plumbing noises in an old house.

Commentatoriomancy, by means of the writings of pundits in the newspaper.

Crastinomancy, by means of waiting for tomorrow to come.

Use some leftover scrambled eggs and cellophane tape rather than making omelets from scratch.

Keeping your oven at 350 degrees 24 hours a day will save hours of pre-heating time over the course of a year.

Make up bowls of cereal and milk each night before you go to bed. Then you’ll be ready to hit the ground running in the morning!

Carefully wash and save every plastic margarine tub or sour-cream container. Then, at the end of the year, you can throw them all out at once.

Hiring an honest and competent kitchen staff is hard work, but it only has to be done once, and then your kitchen troubles are over.

Miss Charlotte Spry of Hartford, who has just turned ninety years of age, can still juggle six cats at once without dropping any of them.

Judge Orbin Lampbracket of Phoenix can determine the guilt or innocence of a defendant before the trial has opened.

Mr. Ferdinand Quentin Maple of Pittsburgh can look at a basket of unsorted and unfolded shirts fresh from the clothes dryer, and, without looking, reach into the wardrobe and retrieve exactly the right number of hangers.

Mr. and Mrs. Wilbur Rankbroth of Elizabeth City, North Carolina, can repeat the same quarrel, in the same words, as many as fifty-eight days in a row.

Ms. Pinella Bitterweather of West Palm Beach is known for her eerily convincing impersonation of the famous Technicolor color director Natalie Kalmus.

A sign on a parrot cage at the National Aviary.

Quasar (Jan. 12—Mar. 45).—Don’t worry about the warning that says “SERVICE TIRE SYSTEM SOON.” You can get a pressure gauge at the dollar store, and that’s all the tire system you need.

Neutron Star (St. Whitmund’s Day).—When you leave the house tomorrow morning, you will find film crews from all five local network affiliates waiting to interview you. Ignore them, but keep a sharp eye on your neighbor across the street.

Blue Straggler (Jun. 2, 8:17 p.m.).—You may find yourself attracted to a tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past this week. The question you have to ask yourself is what he’s really hiding about his job with the cable company.

Soft Gamma Repeater (every other Tuesday).—Things are looking up for real-estate transactions after tomorrow’s mudslide puts you in a much more desirable neighborhood.

Pulsar (Sep. 15—Jan. 11).—You might consider going to the post office and replacing your picture on the wall with a more flattering image that makes the most of your new hairstyle.

Red Giant (Arbor Day).—You might productively spend a good bit of tomorrow doing research on a topic that interests you, but what will your boss think when she looks at your browser history?

Protoplanetary Nebula (Aug. 3, 1957.)—You have turned to the astrology column as your daily guide for most of your life. Now is the time to take an astrologer out to dinner at that French place in Shadyside. Contact Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag in care of this publication.

The Greater Pittsburgh Council on Paranormal Preparedness warns all citizens to be on the alert for zombie spiders. Isolated zombie spiders have been reported in Green Tree, Thornburg, Elliott, Sheraden, and Esplen; but, because zombie spiders are difficult to distinguish from living spiders, the possibility exists that they have infested other boroughs and neighborhoods as well. Zombie spiders may be identified by their eight legs, two segments (viz., the cephalothorax and abdomen), and silk-producing glands in the abdomen with which they weave characteristic “webs” of fine sticky strands. They are, in other words, very similar to ordinary spiders, but undead. It has been accurately determined that zombie spiders pose no danger to humans, but most experts agree that they are icky and should be squashed on sight.

This horrific photograph, taken only hours ago by an eyewitness, shows the catastrophic flooding that nearly filled woodland streambeds, followed by a merciless dusting of snow. This was what the apocalypse looked like in southwestern Pennsylvania.