Last summer I wrote in a post titled, Marriage Minus Monagamy, that,
One of the unspoken assumptions in the debate over gay marriage is that monogamy is equally valued by both gay and straight couples. While far too many heterosexuals opt for a form of serial monogamy—marriage, divorce, remarriage—it is still generally understood that sexual fidelity is too be expected within the bounds of marriage. The same assumption, however, is not necessarily true within homosexual relations.
Many same-sex marriage advocates will naturally find such a claim shocking, if not scurrilous. The “It’s about love” crowd have often been strong on empathy while weak on their understanding of how homosexual relationships tend to differ from those of heterosexuals. (It also seems to have escaped their notice that marriage may not be the only term that homosexual activists want to redefine.) But this isn’t a controversial idea—at least it wasn’t until the recently.
Some people took umbrage at the claim, while others were curious why they media hasn’t mentioned it before. The New York Times finally addresses both groups in a recent article:
As the trial phase of the constitutional battle to overturn the Proposition 8 ban on same-sex marriage concludes in federal court, gay nuptials are portrayed by opponents as an effort to rewrite the traditional rules of matrimony. Quietly, outside of the news media and courtroom spotlight, many gay couples are doing just that, according to groundbreaking new research.
A study to be released next month is offering a rare glimpse inside gay relationships and reveals that monogamy is not a central feature for many. Some gay men and lesbians argue that, as a result, they have stronger, longer-lasting and more honest relationships. And while that may sound counterintuitive, some experts say boundary-challenging gay relationships represent an evolution in marriage — one that might point the way for the survival of the institution.
New research at San Francisco State University reveals just how common open relationships are among gay men and lesbians in the Bay Area. The Gay Couples Study has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners.
That consent is key. “With straight people, it’s called affairs or cheating,” said Colleen Hoff, the study’s principal investigator, “but with gay people it does not have such negative connotations.”
The study also found open gay couples just as happy in their relationships as pairs in sexually exclusive unions, Dr. Hoff said. A different study, published in 1985, concluded that open gay relationships actually lasted longer.
None of this is news in the gay community, but few will speak publicly about it. Of the dozen people in open relationships contacted for this column, no one would agree to use his or her full name, citing privacy concerns. They also worried that discussing the subject could undermine the legal fight for same-sex marriage.
That last sentence is particularly revealing. I believe there are two reasons why same-sex marriage advocates are hesitant to be honest about their views on monogamy.
The first is because it completely undercuts their argument that same-sex marriage should not be compared to polygamy. The fact is that they are attempting to gain legitimacy for a particular type of polyamoury while excluding other, more open, forms of multi-partner arrangements.
The second reason is that they recognize that the general public considers sexual fidelity a key component of marital relationships. Consider the case of Chris and James:
A couple since 2002, they opened their relationship a year ago after concluding that they were not fully meeting each other’s needs. But they have rules: complete disclosure, honesty about all encounters, advance approval of partners, and no sex with strangers — they must both know the other men first. “We check in with each other on this an awful lot,” said James, 37.
Many (if not most) people find such “open marriages” as repugnant as adultery and would be destroyed if their spouse were to suggest adding sexual partners to the relationship. The public is also aware that If monogamy is not considered a necessary component of same-sex marriage, then it will only be a matter of time before the leavening effect of language reduces the cultural significance of monogamy in all marriages. Refusing to allow a husband to take a lover will be viewed as backward and old-fashioned as refusing to allow a wife to work outside the home.
Are heterosexual advocates of same-sex marriage ready to redefine marriage in a way that leaves out monogamy?
(Via: Craig Carter)
February 4th, 2010 | 5:56 pm
Monogamy is important to marriage for the same reasons marriage needs to be a heterosexual union of two people, children and the responsibility for them. There is no reason for gay couples to enter a state-sanctioned relationship other than economic. That does not require gay marriage. We do not yet know the consequences of children being raised in gay households and it is irresponsible and selfish to sanction that activity. As many people have noted, there is no end to variations once we begin the re-definition of marriage. There needs to be less concern about societal approval of roommates and more care for future generations.
February 4th, 2010 | 6:35 pm
And yet there is a significant population of gay and lesbian couples who ARE monogamous. What about them?
February 4th, 2010 | 6:37 pm
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February 4th, 2010 | 6:52 pm
SSM advocacy is a big distraction from reducing our country’s “serial monogamy” problem. But some people seriously claim SSM is the solution!
Didn’t Andrew Sullivan get in hot water in the 1990s for saying straight married couples could learn a thing or two about monogamy from gay men in open relationships?
I believe he had to apologize for or clarify the statement, but I can’t find the relevant primary sources on the controversy besides his _Virtually Normal_. Are there any handy links on this old story, or must I do my own homework?
February 4th, 2010 | 9:07 pm
Robert Moody,
Assuming that the use of monogamy in your first sentence refers to sexual exclusivity, then my question is: Why is it more responsible to the children for parents to be sexually exclusive?
Aside from the potential problem of paternity, is it possible for two people to love each other, remain committed to each other and to the care of their children while having sex outside the marriage?
I will agree that cheating is bad and can lead to divorce (which is not good for children), but is the worse symptom of cheating the lack of sexual exclusivity or is it the lying to the spouse?
February 4th, 2010 | 10:31 pm
Joe,
I could say so much about this topic but I would UPSET too many people again so I’ll just continue to pray and leave “OUR GOOD LOVING LORD” take care of it in “HIS OWN WAY”.
People who know me would certainly agree that I’ve said enough already about same-sex and they all know how I feel about it so I’ll close by saying what I’ve said so often before which is that two or more wrongs will never make “ONE” Right!
“Faith” tells me that I’m right but then others truly believe that they are right also so I’ll let God’s Love correct U>S (usual sinners) the way He sees fit and as usual, He’s welcome to use me in which ever way HE chooses and I’ll gladly follow what He tells my heart, brain and there I say which ever way He chooses to spend every one of my cells.
Peace
February 4th, 2010 | 11:20 pm
Travis, did you read the article? Research shows that fully HALF of gay couples are openly polygamous. Asserting that “a significant population” is monogamous here is tantamount to admitting that, sure, half of a given hypothetical population might be kidnappers or murderers or terrorists or some other such thing, but we should really ignore that and focus on the “significant population” that isn’t!
Such willful denial is ludicrous. A free society must have open discussions without backing away from facts. If half of gay relationships are polygamous, then, pious declarations of social progressives notwithstanding, legalizing gay marriage would invariably weaken society’s already struggling commitment to monogamy. Period.
February 5th, 2010 | 4:57 am
[...] Joe Carter discusses a New York Times article on a particular characteristic of gay marriages: they tend to not require fidelity to one partner. From Many Successful Gay Marriages Share an Open Secret – NYTimes.com: As the trial phase of the constitutional battle to overturn the Proposition 8 ban on same-sex marriage concludes in federal court, gay nuptials are portrayed by opponents as an effort to rewrite the traditional rules of matrimony. Quietly, outside of the news media and courtroom spotlight, many gay couples are doing just that, according to groundbreaking new research. [...]
February 5th, 2010 | 7:44 am
This “debate” such as it is, tends to take place against an uninformed historical context presuming that “traditional marriage” revolves around being in love and sexually monogamous. Neither is true historically — which is what “tradition” must refer to.
Just as biologists have recently learned to do, we need to distinguish between “social monogamy” and “sexual monogamy.” Almost all the species biologists used to think were sexually monogamous (because they observed two parents raising the young together) have now turned out not to be (thanks to cheap DNA testing). Yes, they are socially monogamous (stable family bonds) but their sexuality is another matter.
Humans are the same. By insisting that marriage is about sexual, rather than social, monogamy, we actually weaken family and social stability by placing sex and love in conflicting roles in our lives.
February 5th, 2010 | 8:35 am
[...] Marriage Minus Monogamy Redux- First Things What’s really up with the same sex marriage movemnt? [...]
February 5th, 2010 | 10:22 am
I notice in the comments a great deal of opinion (both informed and otherwise), yet no Scripture and (for Catholics) no Catechism of the Catholic Church. Is this a Christian blog or what?
February 5th, 2010 | 10:37 am
I guess, given all the propoganda over the decades that gay men are incapable of monogamy, it’s very interesting that at least half the married gay male couples in the Sodom of America – where gay culture defined itself most intensely against the broader culture that rejected it – do *not* have open marriages.
February 5th, 2010 | 11:05 am
Alex, cheating on your spouse IS lying. Sex is not a recreational pastime. TomG, you are right about the lack of Catechism but Catholics should know all this already. Appealing to scripture is not persuasive to people ourside the church who think of marriage as joining a book club.
February 5th, 2010 | 5:13 pm
Both sides of the debate might be interested in this article on polyamory:
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2010/01/03/loves_new_frontier/
February 7th, 2010 | 12:19 am
What a dreary debate SSM is turning into. Can we not challenge its advocates on a “truth in advertising” basis? There is no good reason and many bad ones for using the same word (marriage) to describe radically different things. If gays want civil recognition for their relationships then I say let them have it. Just don’t call it marriage.
February 7th, 2010 | 1:32 am
Another consideration is that if gay marriage is an open door to polyamoury (is that really a word?), then it is also an open door to Sharia marriage. I wonder how many of the MSM pundits would willingly deny that.
February 7th, 2010 | 4:40 pm
I guess, given all the propoganda over the decades that gay men are incapable of monogamy, it’s very interesting that at least half the married gay male couples in the Sodom of America
I see you’re working at it Liam. If they found that, their findings would appear to be atypical.
http://www.probe.org/site/c.fdKEIMNsEoG/b.4426843/k.9AFE/Heterosexual_and_Homosexual_Marriages.htm#text23
February 8th, 2010 | 2:49 pm
The NYT also published an article citing cheating is heterosexual marriages is between 10-15% depending on the age of the spouse, and the type of survey used.
That last part, i think is huge. Cheating is a huge no-no in hetero marriages, so much that researchers have a difficult time getting honest answers about behavior. Why is it that this article is so concerned about the multiple partners SOME homosexual relationships include openly and honestly, instead of focusing on the multiple partners in hetero marriages that are kept hidden?
February 11th, 2010 | 4:56 pm
@Huston & Travis.
No. The articles suggests that half of the gay couples in San Francisco were polygamous, not that half of ALL gay couples were. San Francisco, in general, has more “of the world” views concerning every issue. So it’s no wonder that fidelity within the bounds of marriage and relationships would especially be under attack.
Perhaps studies focusing on gay couples in Dallas, Tex. or Orange County, Calif. would render a different, more “traditional” result.
February 12th, 2010 | 5:09 pm
Yeah, but the problem is the first thing a gay couple in Dallas, Texas wants to do is move to San Francisco.
March 1st, 2010 | 8:07 pm
You cannot lump together male and female gays.
I suspect most gay women are faithful, and most gay men are not in the long run.
So one could argue yes for lesbian marriage, but not for male couples.
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