[Note: Every Friday on First Thoughts we host a discussion about some aspect of pop culture. Today’s theme is "Renaissance woman" lists. Have a suggestion for a topic? Send them to me at jcarter@firstthings.com.]
Over the past few weeks we’ve had a series of posts on what one Twitter follower has ruefully called “gender essentialism.” I think that’s an apt description. Unlike some federal judges in California, I consider gender—the wide set of characteristics that are seen to distinguish between male and female—to be essential. I also believe it’s essential that I provide unsolicited advice on what those essentials are.
For that reason, we’ve covered the “50 Things a Man Should Be Able To Do,” the “50 Things a Man Should Never Do,” and the “50 Things a Woman Should Be Able To Do.”
Now, to complete the series, I give you the list of ”50 Things a Woman Should Never Do”:
1. Buy underwear at a thrift store.
2. Tell another woman, “You don’t look that fat.”
3. Stab another woman in the chest with a salad fork for saying, “You don’t look that fat.”
4. Believe a man who is not making eye contact but says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.”
5. Get a “tramp stamp” on your lower back.
6. Get a tattoo anywhere.
7. Get a mullet.
8. Date one of your girlfriend’s exes.
9. Inject a neurotoxin into your face
10. Expect your relationships to be anything like a romantic comedy.
11. Take advice from Oprah’s latest guru.
12. Be rude to a server.
13. Let anyone mentally, physically, or verbally abuse you or your children.
14. Apply eye makeup while driving and/or stopped in traffic.
15. Ask your man, “Do you think she looks prettier than me?” (He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t.)
16. Eat garlic, spinach, or corn on the cob on a first date.
17. Wear makeup to bed.
18. Attend a wedding looking better than the bride.
19. Apologize for being modest or chaste.
20. Think anyone wants to see pictures of your cat(s).
21. Let a girlfriend who has been drinking go anywhere with a man she just met.
22. Take off your clothes anyplace someone has a camera or video recording device.
23. Make excuses for your kid’s obnoxious behavior.
24. Buy something you don’t need just because it’s on sale.
25. Run down a girlfriend behind her back.
26. Keep a stuffed animal on your bed after the age of sixteen.
27. Get on the back of a motorcycle with a man who is younger than your dad.
28. Ignore signs of cancer in the hopes that it will just go away.
29. Fall in love with a “bad boy.”
30. Refuse to tell a man what you really want for your birthday and then be disappointed by the gift you receive.
31. Provide the sole financial support for a man who is not disabled or completing his education.
32. Go more than six months without telling your dad how you feel about him.
33. Agree to be on a reality show with the words, “Real Housewives”, “Bachelor,” or “Bret Michaels” in the title.
34. Dig your key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carve your name into his leather seat, take a Louisville slugger to both head lights, and slash a hole in all four tires.
35. Expect to find a man in the twenty first century like Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.
36. Tell your man, “You really didn’t have to.” (He did. He really, really did.)
37. Expect a man to understand why you like diamonds.
38. Limit your Bible reading to the verses in your self-help oriented devotional.
39. Serve in combat (unless your name is Joan of Arc).
40. Flirt irresponsibly.
41. Give unsolicited advice about breastfeeding.
42. Pierce any body part that is lower than your neck.
43. Write “Hey Cutie. How’ve you Been? I miss you!” on your now-married, former boyfriend’s Facebook wall.
44. Use profanity in any situation where your toe is not stubbed.
45. Remain desperately at home inventing lovers who call to say, “Come dance with me,” and murmur vague obscenities after the age of seventeen.
46. Be surprised when a man is unable to read you mind.
47. Assume that a stay-at-home mom doesn’t “work.”
48. Assume that a work-outside-the-home mom is a bad parent.
49. Have a MySpace page after the age of 20.
50. Take advice from a serpent about what produce to eat.
August 13th, 2010 | 9:19 am
Come on, tatoos are great! :)
August 13th, 2010 | 10:06 am
I used to be guilty of number 48, though I didn’t realize it.
Then I became a mom. Whoa, have I ever had that particular piece of pride beaten out of me. ;)
August 13th, 2010 | 10:20 am
OK, Joe. Some of this is really cool because it’s about godly character. Some of this is patent nonsense and only reveals your own stereotypes rather than saying anything about the real world…
I couldn’t care less about diamonds. Didn’t before I had a man in my life. Don’t now. The only exception is the one he gave me on our engagement and the fact that it’s a shiny stony means zilch to me. I wear it as a symbol of our commitment.
My female friend got an amazing tattoo this year. She cares about justice for the weak more than most people. Like me, she’s worn precious feet pins or necklaces to symbolize her desire to see justice for preborn babies. This year, she got a small precious feet tattoo on her wrist with the word “JUSTICE” below.
And, seriously, I get the point – but do you realize how many of these are about women expecting something unrealistic from men (10, 29, 30, 35, 37, 46)…. It’s just as frequent that men have unrealistic temptations about women and you pretty much summed that up in #36 on your “man should never” list. Nothing about thinking that your woman will always relate sexually like the kind of woman who gets paid to take her clothes off in front of a camera. Nothing about expecting your wife / kids to always respect your need for silence and space when you get home or demanding your wife have dinner on the table or that she share your obsession w/ X hobby…
A few additions to this list might be:
*Expect your man to please you in bed if you aren’t willing to tell him what you like.
*Mock / ridicule someone for their weaknesses – unless they are proud of the weakness.
*Expect that her way of doing things is the only way to do them and anyone who does otherwise is “foolish / dumb / worthless, etc”
*Be lazy
*Leave all the tasks you consider difficult or undesirable to your husband, father, mother, big brother, big sister, best friend or some other person… This could include dealing with relational problems or just taking out the trash.
August 13th, 2010 | 11:52 am
Trust any man that says: ‘trust me’.
August 13th, 2010 | 12:35 pm
One I see more often in our college parking lot: Women should not put obscene bumper stickers on their cars. (Neither should men, of course.)
You are right about the tattoos. I haven’t figured out yet whether this is: (1) a simple regression into barbarism; (2) an attempt to make some kind of statement, however pathetic; (3) an attempt to “stand out” in a crowd without the discipline of spiritual, mental, or physical training. One thing I do know: it’s neither cool nor attractive.
August 13th, 2010 | 1:01 pm
re: #35
Considering last week’s list of things a woman should do, I think it’s only fair for such accomplished ladies to expect a Darcy.
re: diamonds
Diamonds aren’t important so much for what they are–I can get carbon anywhere–but for what they symbolize. And not for the woman, either.
If we didn’t have diamonds, we’d have to come up with some other egregiously expensive way for men to publicly pledge their troth.
August 13th, 2010 | 1:04 pm
Craig–I’m not sure how *ahem* ladylike it is for me to state this, but my theory about tattoes on women is that they combine two trends: public female nudity and slogan T’s.
August 13th, 2010 | 2:05 pm
Craig Payne & Sachiko,
Re:tatooes.
Come on, where’s your sense of adventure? :)
August 13th, 2010 | 5:25 pm
Dear Sachiko: Your theory just became mine, too.
Dear Bret: Well, except for my Thomas Aquinas tramp stamp, I’m still against them.
August 13th, 2010 | 5:54 pm
Bret: my sense of adventure is doing fine, and will never, I hope, be on public display. :D
August 13th, 2010 | 6:35 pm
#4 is quite true. I would add that wives should always alert their husbands when they are telling them something of special significance, something the husbands are expected to remember.
August 13th, 2010 | 10:14 pm
“27. Get on the back of a motorcycle with a man who is younger than your dad.”
Um, your husband?
“38. Limit your Bible reading to the verses in your self-help orientated devotional.”
Use the word “orientated,” ever, if you are not British.
August 13th, 2010 | 11:48 pm
Ah, tattooing. For those of you who want some insight, I recommend Theodore Dalrymple’s pieces here and here.
August 14th, 2010 | 5:10 am
I disagree with the tattoos. My husband loves mine and I like them much more than diamonds :)
August 14th, 2010 | 1:49 pm
I rather like Tatoos. Not everywhere of course, I think that is overdoing it, but there isn’t anything wrong with them as long as you think it through first!
Hubby doesn’t like mine but I told him that other than getting them touched up if they fade I won’t add to them as long as he is alive. He intends to outlive me. :-)
Really, on #27, if you are going to get on a motorcycle, take a class and get your own!
My little van isn’t cool by most people’s standards, it is old, and odd looking, and I love it. My dog, computer and books don’t fit on a motorcycle though.
August 14th, 2010 | 2:58 pm
Completely agree about the tats and body piercings; please include gages with that. Just say no. (And it’s perfectly ok to think that you’re just too good for them.)
#44? How else to say what you want in the marital bed? He’s not supposed to read your mind, remember? And clinical language isn’t as much fun.
#9 – I bet you can’t tell me one female in the public eye whom you think is beautiful who doesn’t use it. So, you love the look, (except when it’s overdone) you just don’t know it.
Add: #51 Think your eyebrows look great au natural.
#52 Gain 30 lbs and think it doesn’t matter to him because he loves you. It’s because he loves you that it matters even more.
August 16th, 2010 | 3:51 am
Mr. Carter,
I’m beginning to worry about your tastes in music. No man, should ever, ever know the lyric you quote in #45.
Kamilla
P.S. I wish someone had told me about #29 about, well I won’t say how many years ago I wish I had learned that one.
August 22nd, 2010 | 11:47 pm
Some chick:
Really, my fiancee’s eyebrows do look great au natural. I wish more women would stop being neurotic about their eyebrows.
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