KMart-Sears

The Weekly Standard parody of the KMart-Sears merger (Nov 29) is too rich.

The parody is a letter purporting to be from a market researcher to the KMart board of directors. Here’s a couple of samples:

“We recently received the preliminary report from our $30-million, 5-year contract with ImagInc, who have determined that both Kmart and Sears, Roebuck enjoy broad name recognition. By retaining the prominent ‘K’ of Kmart and contractint ‘Sears’ and ‘Roebuck’ into one word ?EK-Suck ?Ewe will retain these powerful brand attributes going forward. K-Suck conveys our hopes for the future as well as a healthy respect for our recent history.”

Regarding “niche expansion”: “Provided no antitrust issues arise, the acquisition of Sears will finally give us a stranglehold on the low-price, low-quality market. Our position is simple and consistent: Let Wal-Mart have ‘everyday great deals,’ and Target have ‘not-bad stuff.’ K-Suck will be the brand of choice for anyone looking for unbeatable deals on the lowest-quality brands.”