Whereas you, the Federalist, brainchild of one Ben Domenech, of Virginia, were denounced in 2014, to this Holy Office, for holding as true a false doctrine taught by a majority, namely, that marriage is possessed of an immovable definition, that it consists of two persons, and of opposite sex; also, for having readers whom you instructed in the same opinions; also, for maintaining a correspondence on the same with some Koch-funded organizations; also, for publishing certain letters on our attempts to suppress same, in which you developed the same doctrine as true; also, for answering the objections which were continually produced from the fixed law of ever-moving Progress, the undeniable but ever-changing words of the Living Constitution, by glozing the said Constitution according to your own meaning; and whereas thereupon was produced the copy of a writing, in form of articles professedly published by you, in which, following the hypothesis of Nature’s  Law, the Great (though regrettably prejudiced) Faiths, and our President before his recent Evolution, you include several propositions contrary to the true sense and authority of Progress; therefore (this Holy Tribunal being desirous of providing against the disorder and mischief which were thence proceeding and increasing to the detriment of the Holy Faith) by the desire of Very Serious People and the Most Eminent Lords, Bloggers of this supreme and universal Inquisition, the two propositions of the stability of the meaning of marriage, its complementary duality, were qualified by the Theological Qualifiers as follows:

  1. The proposition that marriage can exist only between a man and a woman is absurd, philosophically false, and formally heretical; because it is expressly contrary to the Law of Progress, which being at once absolute and shifting may be contradicted by nothing but itself.
  2. The proposition that Equality does not require calling unlike things like and unequal things equal, is also absurd, philosophically false, and, theologically considered, at least erroneous in faith.

Therefore . . . invoking the most holy name of sundry Very Serious People and of Their Most Glorious Mother Moral Preening, We pronounce this Our final sentence: We pronounce, judge, and declare, that you, the said Federalist . . . have rendered yourself vehemently suspected by this Holy Office of heresy, that is, of having believed and held the doctrine (which is false and contrary to various Holy and Divine Tweets and Facebook Comment Threads) that marriage is the union of one man and one woman—permanent, exclusive, open to life; also, that an opinion can be held and supported as probable, after it has been declared and finally decreed contrary to Progress, and, consequently, that you have incurred all the censures and penalties enjoined and promulgated in the sacred canons and other general and particular constituents against delinquents of this description. From which it is Our pleasure that you be absolved, provided that with a sincere heart and unfeigned faith, in Our presence, you abjure, curse, and detest, the said error and heresies, and every other error and heresy contrary to the Catholic and Apostolic 501(c)(3) Progressive Research and Information Center Media Matters for America.

2014 A.D.

Articles by Matthew Schmitz

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