Why Bigger Might Be Easier
March 28, 2012
Betsy VanDenBerghe
In the National Marriage Project’s exhaustive 2011 “State of Our Unions” report, a sidebar among the analyses and graphs draws attention to a subset social scientists tend to ignore in their ubiquitous research on marriage and parenting: big families. Noted researcher Alan Hawkins explains the dearth in blunt terms: “There’s not a lot of research on large families these days because they are few in number, assumed to be highly religious, and thus, well, weird.” But W. Bradford Wilcox and Elizabeth Marquardt tease out of the report some curious counterintuitive data, especially when considered against studies that suggest that having children lowers happiness. Their analysis of the data finds that parents of big families with four or more children tend to be happier and more fulfilled than those with fewer.
The National Marriage Project attributes this unexpected conclusion to that weird faith orientation of mothers and fathers with many children. Their stronger religiosity means they’re more prone to possess a deep sense of meaning and purpose in life, and more likely to benefit from a large church-oriented network of family and friends than parents of smaller families. As the church-going mother of eight children, I do not take issue with these claims. But twenty-one years of large family parenting have offered reasons of my own why lots of kids is, in some strange way, easier than one or two—and few of my reasons relate to sainthood.
This realization began dawning on me quite a few years ago when I was editing biographies of young violinists for my daughter’s performing group program, several of which were overdue. After sending out a gentle reminder to the late moms, one emailed back with a sense of outrage I still tremble at on reminiscence, something like: “How dare you group my daughter in a list of irresponsible girls when I’m certain her biography must have been one of the first ones in! That we would be publicly listed as undependable and un-conscientious truly shames me!” “Whoa,” I thought, with genuine relief, “I’m glad it takes a lot more than an email reminder to publicly humiliate me.”
That very week, I’d been to a parent-teacher conference in which an entire term’s assignments in several classes were missing, attended a regional wrestling championship in which my son suddenly found himself pinned in an ill-seeded run-off match to the final, heard from neighbors whose delicate plants had been crushed by our basketballs landing over the fence, and witnessed my youngest child play a faux piano on another child’s head during a church children’s program.
So an enforced humility should not be underestimated as a benefit of multiple children. You find yourself eminently able to cope with public humiliation without losing sleep. In fact, you view the embarrassment as a normal component of child-rearing since you gave up on raising trophy children after the first two kids and, over the years, gradually accepted the fact that your children aren’t here to make you look good.
But other benefits to having lots of kids exist as well, prime among them the effects of “sibling abundance.” There is always someone to build Legos with and always a ready partner to fight with in the back seat when road trips get long, not to mention tutor for math tests and offer consolation in social rejection. This takes a lot of pressure off Mom and Dad, who by virtue of being outnumbered, cannot play with everyone, helicopter everyone, or afford multiple teams and activities per child. We also have to eat dinner together because even frozen burritos are expensive when multiplied by x amount of kids, and agree with economist Bryan Caplan’s assertion in Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids that “parents overcharge themselves” with obsessive oversight, expenditures, and anxiety.
In that book, Caplan contends that instead of creating fewer kids and more work, today’s parents should consider having more children and doing less work, since all the obsessive oversight, his analysis of the research finds, doesn’t make any difference. But I can’t pretend big families don’t equate hefty amounts of manual, mental, emotional, and spiritual labor—it’s just that in multi-children economies of scale, all that work creates a loaves-and-fishes effect. You’ve already accumulated the multiplication flash cards, Suzuki cello CDs, and American Girl doll paraphernalia. Let the stuff benefit a few others. You’ve also amassed a diversity of knowledge that includes which science projects don’t require a week of fomenting in the kitchen sink and how to calm an adolescent whose entire life has seemingly imploded. After going through infancy, childhood, puberty, and even young adulthood with a few kids, you’re capable of rapidly assessing even complex situations and finding solutions from the hindsight of experience.
Not that small families can’t share in some of these experiences, just that big families get it in spades. Along with the spades of laundry, infighting, and clutter come the spades of varied interests of the sports-crazed kids or the politically, musically, or socially obsessed ones—and with those interests come the mentors, coaches, music teachers, and church-oriented network of youth leaders to which the National Marriage Project attributes high happiness levels in big families. My purpose differs from Caplan’s Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids in that I’m not trying to talk people content with small into going bigger, but I do hope that the big will count their chaotic and numerous blessings. I also hope that the small will chill out a little, and realize that God is the ultimate parent in charge. Even when we mess up, his grace more than compensates by bringing in the people, experiences, and opportunities a struggling child needs. All families, of course, can tap into that grace. But maybe big families need, and ask for, more of it.
Betsy VanDenBerghe is a writer specializing in family and religious issues and lives in Salt Lake City. She can be reached at betsyvandenberghe@gmail.com.
RESOURCES
The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia
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Comments:
3.28.2012 | 10:25am
Laura Pinnock says:
This type of conversation is long overdue. Thank you, Betsy, for your personal and academic insight. As the mother of 4 children who are growing up all-too-fast I must confess that I wish I had at least 2 more. As I age I want to put my tired yet calm wisdom to further use. I somewhat pity my poor oldest child who had a mother too interested in perfection rather than enjoying the moment. I’m finally at cruising altitude and its time to descend. Oh well. Cheers to all the good, big families!
3.28.2012 | 11:16am
Grace Schuler says:
I have to admit, I laughed when I read the title of this article. I am pregnant with my 4th child, and my eldest will turn 5 just before #4 is born, so "easy" isn't a word I ever use to describe life in my house right now. But yet, there is something to be said for the lower stress level that comes with not being a first-time parent anymore. I clearly remember how worried I was about every little sniffle and scraped knee with my firstborn, and how I am now honestly able to tell the ER doc that I'm not the sort to get easily freaked out when I had to take my 3rd-born in with a mysterious high fever. There does come a point where 1 more child really doesn't make that much difference in how you plan your day's activities: I had 2 extra children over on Monday, and just kind of included them in what we were already going to do. The advice I give new parents is this: One child will completely change your life. Two will be more work, but not necessarily double that of the first child. Three children will make sure there's never a dull moment in your house, but not triple the work of the first. (except the the case of laundry, which I think has got to be somewhere in Dante's lower circles of purgatory.)
3.28.2012 | 11:28am
bill bannon says:
Large families are wonderful in the US and Europe due to income level and safety nets for sudden widows and tax breaks. Now...be truthful...and pan to Somalia where last fall the secular media showed picture after picture of women with many children fleeing drought and watching some of their children die of starvation
while our children are leaving half of their Wendy's burger in the trash. Many Somalia women would keep their dead babies on their hip as they walked. Pan to Catholic Brazil and Phillipines...numbers 2 and 4 in the sexual trafficing of poor children since both countries also have street waif problems from couples having more children than they can support. Christ did not sound perfectly sunny on this issue. He has a sunny passage (Jn.16:21) and He has a sad passage (Mt.24:19) on having children in different contexts. Let's be realistic like Him rather than saccharine.
while our children are leaving half of their Wendy's burger in the trash. Many Somalia women would keep their dead babies on their hip as they walked. Pan to Catholic Brazil and Phillipines...numbers 2 and 4 in the sexual trafficing of poor children since both countries also have street waif problems from couples having more children than they can support. Christ did not sound perfectly sunny on this issue. He has a sunny passage (Jn.16:21) and He has a sad passage (Mt.24:19) on having children in different contexts. Let's be realistic like Him rather than saccharine.
3.28.2012 | 11:48am
pdn Michael says:
Betsy, you are spot on.
I am both fortunate and unfortunate; unfortunate because my ex-wife (who suffers from a serious mental illness) left me with 4 to raise, and extremely fortunate that I had 4 to raise. It is, and will likely remain, the most important thing I've done and a larger family simply would have allowed me the privilege of doing it a little longer.
My eldest joined me for a beer last night, and while he's talking about his job (applied behavioral analysis with autistic children) and all it's frenetic activity and parental interference with the therapy and the office politics, I can't help thinking back to when he and the next oldest were my helpers in the garden. They were perhaps three and four, and I showed them how to pull weeds one evening.
Next day they met me in the driveway when I got home from work, strutting hands on hips with that gait peculiar to some farmers here in Indiana, to inform me that they'd "finished pullin' them weeds," and that I needed to look at this "'portant work" they'd done. Sure enough, my eight pepper plants I'd planted the evening before were uprooted, dead and wilted from a day laying in the sun atop the dirt. I laughed until my sides hurt.
So cheers indeed! I wish those years had never ended.
I am both fortunate and unfortunate; unfortunate because my ex-wife (who suffers from a serious mental illness) left me with 4 to raise, and extremely fortunate that I had 4 to raise. It is, and will likely remain, the most important thing I've done and a larger family simply would have allowed me the privilege of doing it a little longer.
My eldest joined me for a beer last night, and while he's talking about his job (applied behavioral analysis with autistic children) and all it's frenetic activity and parental interference with the therapy and the office politics, I can't help thinking back to when he and the next oldest were my helpers in the garden. They were perhaps three and four, and I showed them how to pull weeds one evening.
Next day they met me in the driveway when I got home from work, strutting hands on hips with that gait peculiar to some farmers here in Indiana, to inform me that they'd "finished pullin' them weeds," and that I needed to look at this "'portant work" they'd done. Sure enough, my eight pepper plants I'd planted the evening before were uprooted, dead and wilted from a day laying in the sun atop the dirt. I laughed until my sides hurt.
So cheers indeed! I wish those years had never ended.
3.28.2012 | 12:11pm
arty says:
Speaking as the father of four young waifs myself, I see that Mr. Bannon's baked-grain breakfast flakes have again been unjustly micturated in. The existence of suffering in the world in no way precludes my enjoyment of my own children, and, as parent will tell you, there are fewer things more irritating than people who make "saccharine" comments about how wonderful children are and parenting is, as I suspect both Pinnock and Schuler above, can attest to. Having read Mr. Bannon's comment on the Weigel article posted today, I will herewith head home to make sure that my children aren't enjoying themselves too much, whereupon we will pool what meager funds are left over after paying for this month's groceries, which we will use to purchase cases of prophylactics to be shipped to Africa, this obviously this will help fix the problems plaguing dead-baby-carrying Somalian women.
3.28.2012 | 1:08pm
Ray Ingles says:
My wife and I often remark that we did all our best parenting before we had children. :)
And yes, the effort required to raise a family doesn't increase linearly with the number of children. Each additional child doesn't add an additional 'unit' of effort. It grows, well, logarithmically. The difference between zero and one kid is the big jump. Going from one to two isn't twice as tough. The third kid is smaller still, the fourth smaller yet. It seems to more-or-less 'plateau'.
However, I agree that "stronger religiosity" isn't a critical contributor to the happiness. My wife and I are plenty happy with our four, and we're (ahem) not regular churchgoers.
And yes, the effort required to raise a family doesn't increase linearly with the number of children. Each additional child doesn't add an additional 'unit' of effort. It grows, well, logarithmically. The difference between zero and one kid is the big jump. Going from one to two isn't twice as tough. The third kid is smaller still, the fourth smaller yet. It seems to more-or-less 'plateau'.
However, I agree that "stronger religiosity" isn't a critical contributor to the happiness. My wife and I are plenty happy with our four, and we're (ahem) not regular churchgoers.
3.28.2012 | 3:06pm
Mike Melendez says:
I'm not sure what bill bannon is getting at. Perhaps he is saying it is better not to have been born than to die of starvation? Perhaps he thinks single children don't die of starvation? I leave it for him to explain.
Let me offer a perspective from the other side, not the fewer children side as I have six. Rather, I offer the perspective of the second child of 11. When I tell people that, I am often asked how my mother did it. I tell them she didn't.
To illustrate, I describe how the family made enchiladas. One of us children would run the tortilla through the hot oil to give it body. A second would take it and run it through the sauce. A third would add the filling. A fourth would roll it. The rolling job was the least desirable as those torts were hot! When a tray was full, my Mom would put it in the oven and set the timer. My Mother didn't do the work, she organized and managed.
Then there are "gender" roles. With so many babies, there were tons of diapers over the years. Being one of the older workers, I changed the diapers of the younger half of my brothers and sisters. In fact, my favorite memory of childhood is walking the clothesline filled with hanging white cloth rectangles flowing with the breeze. The smell of cleanliness, the gentle caress of the cloth, the knowledge that I had hung them all straight and true. And of course, I had my own day to do the dishes paired with a brother or sister. Washing and drying were alternating. The games were fun too. Could the dryer keep up with the washer by maintaining a mostly empty drainer? Could we avoid scrubbing the hard pans by claiming there was still food in them? As a result of such a childhood, I have a bit of a problem understanding romcom movies that seek laughter out of a young man's _first_ attempt to change a diaper ... in his third decade. I can't stop myself wondering, "Didn't his mother teach him?"
Let me offer a perspective from the other side, not the fewer children side as I have six. Rather, I offer the perspective of the second child of 11. When I tell people that, I am often asked how my mother did it. I tell them she didn't.
To illustrate, I describe how the family made enchiladas. One of us children would run the tortilla through the hot oil to give it body. A second would take it and run it through the sauce. A third would add the filling. A fourth would roll it. The rolling job was the least desirable as those torts were hot! When a tray was full, my Mom would put it in the oven and set the timer. My Mother didn't do the work, she organized and managed.
Then there are "gender" roles. With so many babies, there were tons of diapers over the years. Being one of the older workers, I changed the diapers of the younger half of my brothers and sisters. In fact, my favorite memory of childhood is walking the clothesline filled with hanging white cloth rectangles flowing with the breeze. The smell of cleanliness, the gentle caress of the cloth, the knowledge that I had hung them all straight and true. And of course, I had my own day to do the dishes paired with a brother or sister. Washing and drying were alternating. The games were fun too. Could the dryer keep up with the washer by maintaining a mostly empty drainer? Could we avoid scrubbing the hard pans by claiming there was still food in them? As a result of such a childhood, I have a bit of a problem understanding romcom movies that seek laughter out of a young man's _first_ attempt to change a diaper ... in his third decade. I can't stop myself wondering, "Didn't his mother teach him?"
3.28.2012 | 4:36pm
Amy says:
There's a self-selected factor here, though, which is that people who don't cope well with one or two children don't have more. We can generally assume that parents who chose to continue having more children after the first few must have also been "happy" with those first few.
Still, what I think you are getting at, Betsy, is that some of the typical reactions to large families are completely wrong. (For example: "Surely no sane person would choose to have so many children, therefore you must be part of some bizarre and oppressive religion that forces women to endlessly procreate and then brainwashes you to be happy about it.") Most people, including parents of small families, just don't know the advantages and joys of having many children and so misunderstand or completely write off the idea that parents of large families could be happier.
Still, what I think you are getting at, Betsy, is that some of the typical reactions to large families are completely wrong. (For example: "Surely no sane person would choose to have so many children, therefore you must be part of some bizarre and oppressive religion that forces women to endlessly procreate and then brainwashes you to be happy about it.") Most people, including parents of small families, just don't know the advantages and joys of having many children and so misunderstand or completely write off the idea that parents of large families could be happier.
3.28.2012 | 6:14pm
harry says:
We have ten kids and raised them all on a single income. There are three still at home. The children that are grown and gone are all happy, productive adults. One of those is a Catholic priest, the rest are happily married except for my youngest son who is still available, although he appears to be pretty serious about his current girl friend. Aside from the two oldest children the rest of the kids were home-schooled for most of their education through high school. We appear to have done OK home-schooling as the kids have been offered scholarships based on their scores when taking the state's test to see if they have the equivalent of a high school education. Two have their associate's degrees and are working on a bachelor's, one has a bachelor's and one has a master's. And of course, the priest has six or seven letters after his name. ;o)
Two of the kids have a serious medical affliction that is passed on genetically, one child of ours (which makes it 11 children, actually), died from complications of that affliction a few weeks after he was born. Everybody was saying "You already have three healthy children -- just don't have any more kids." At the time I was convinced that made sense. My wife wasn't. In fact, she was anxious to have another child.
To make a long story short, after a discussion with a Catholic priest that made me very angry at the time, I submitted to the teaching of the Church on artificial contraception. While that priest made me furious, I eventually came to thank God everyday for priests who love us enough to tell us the truth instead of what we want to hear. My children are the joy of my life. I am thrilled with every one of them, two of which were born with the medical affliction mentioned previously. Those two struggle but they have made it thus far, although one almost died a few years ago and then made a miraculous recovery that I have no doubt was due to an army of friends who were praying for him.
There have been some tough times, but, for the most part it as been beautiful, "abundant life" that makes the tough times seem insignificant. One interesting thing to me is how often getting a raise or a better job coincided with the arrival of another child. God is good. What does not seem possible according to worldly wisdom His mere folly can make happen. We have a happy home and have provided for the family because God provides. Contracepting couples who don't see how they can raise another child need to step out in faith and give God a chance. He will amaze them.
And yes, Bill Bannon, there are starving children in the world. That does not mean one can't trust God, it means God allows free will even to those whose corruption and greed robs others of the opportunity to provide for themselves. There will be Hell to pay for that.
Two of the kids have a serious medical affliction that is passed on genetically, one child of ours (which makes it 11 children, actually), died from complications of that affliction a few weeks after he was born. Everybody was saying "You already have three healthy children -- just don't have any more kids." At the time I was convinced that made sense. My wife wasn't. In fact, she was anxious to have another child.
To make a long story short, after a discussion with a Catholic priest that made me very angry at the time, I submitted to the teaching of the Church on artificial contraception. While that priest made me furious, I eventually came to thank God everyday for priests who love us enough to tell us the truth instead of what we want to hear. My children are the joy of my life. I am thrilled with every one of them, two of which were born with the medical affliction mentioned previously. Those two struggle but they have made it thus far, although one almost died a few years ago and then made a miraculous recovery that I have no doubt was due to an army of friends who were praying for him.
There have been some tough times, but, for the most part it as been beautiful, "abundant life" that makes the tough times seem insignificant. One interesting thing to me is how often getting a raise or a better job coincided with the arrival of another child. God is good. What does not seem possible according to worldly wisdom His mere folly can make happen. We have a happy home and have provided for the family because God provides. Contracepting couples who don't see how they can raise another child need to step out in faith and give God a chance. He will amaze them.
And yes, Bill Bannon, there are starving children in the world. That does not mean one can't trust God, it means God allows free will even to those whose corruption and greed robs others of the opportunity to provide for themselves. There will be Hell to pay for that.
3.28.2012 | 6:27pm
Michelle Glauser says:
Betsy, I respect you so much and I'm glad that you wrote this piece. I think it's hard for younger people to imagine having a lot of children these days, but it's people like you who make me think that it might not only be possible, but maybe even awesome. Nice work. Also, have you read about Holly Richardson, who has 24 children and does legislative work? Here's a link to MWP's interview: http://www.mormonwomen.com/2012/03/27/holly-on-the-hill/
3.28.2012 | 7:30pm
bill bannon says:
Arty,
You write: "Speaking as the father of four young waifs myself, I see that Mr. Bannon's baked-grain breakfast flakes have again been unjustly micturated in.."
Miturate means urinated in. I suspect the censor here missed the contumely and obscenity. It's use in a patriarch like yourself is not a great advertisement for the large family since family should be sanctifying you. I partly passively caused your two sins by using the word "saccharine". But look at my use in light of Christ's comments. Having large family moments is not saccharine in my view but believing that the large family choice is good across the world and also in near destitute economies is a "saccharine" view and that's what I meant.
You write: "Speaking as the father of four young waifs myself, I see that Mr. Bannon's baked-grain breakfast flakes have again been unjustly micturated in.."
Miturate means urinated in. I suspect the censor here missed the contumely and obscenity. It's use in a patriarch like yourself is not a great advertisement for the large family since family should be sanctifying you. I partly passively caused your two sins by using the word "saccharine". But look at my use in light of Christ's comments. Having large family moments is not saccharine in my view but believing that the large family choice is good across the world and also in near destitute economies is a "saccharine" view and that's what I meant.
3.28.2012 | 10:45pm
Joe DeVet says:
My wife and I too have 8, and I can only thank God for the gift of each and every one.
When the third one came, we were outnumbered and had to own the fact that we were not really in control--we just had to try our best to keep up. Once we made that important transition, adding each new one in turn seemed not as big a deal.
When the fourth came along, we were confronted with the reality of what it takes for a couple to afford a big family. The surprising thing is, as important as finances are, there's a much more important resource--the love between the parents. So for the sake of the kids, my wife and I put each other ahead of them.
My wife learned the lesson early, that these weren't cookie-cutter imitations of us, and more to the point, certainly not tabulae rasae onto which to project our own dreams. Her motto when welcoming a new one was, and is, "Who are you, precious child of God. I can't wait to learn who you are, and cherish who you are."
When the third one came, we were outnumbered and had to own the fact that we were not really in control--we just had to try our best to keep up. Once we made that important transition, adding each new one in turn seemed not as big a deal.
When the fourth came along, we were confronted with the reality of what it takes for a couple to afford a big family. The surprising thing is, as important as finances are, there's a much more important resource--the love between the parents. So for the sake of the kids, my wife and I put each other ahead of them.
My wife learned the lesson early, that these weren't cookie-cutter imitations of us, and more to the point, certainly not tabulae rasae onto which to project our own dreams. Her motto when welcoming a new one was, and is, "Who are you, precious child of God. I can't wait to learn who you are, and cherish who you are."
3.28.2012 | 11:21pm
Werner says:
To Amy:
There is surely somewhat of a self selective factor in parenting; however, it should be overstated. Anyone who is from an aria with large families knows some which have turned out to be disasters -- enough to make one wonder why the couple had children at all. Generally, I think all parents have a very hard time with their first children. They then choose to have more because they strongly feel they should (or feel they are somehow expected to), not while they're feel that they get along great with the ones they have.
There is surely somewhat of a self selective factor in parenting; however, it should be overstated. Anyone who is from an aria with large families knows some which have turned out to be disasters -- enough to make one wonder why the couple had children at all. Generally, I think all parents have a very hard time with their first children. They then choose to have more because they strongly feel they should (or feel they are somehow expected to), not while they're feel that they get along great with the ones they have.
3.29.2012 | 10:31am
Mike Melendez says:
Mr Bannon is a little clearer in his latest, though he does appear to be a glass half empty kind of guy. In my parish we had an Ethiopian associate pastor for a few years. He was raised in a small village with 10 brothers and sisters. He loved telling the story of how they all slept under one blanket on the ground and all it would take was one rolling over to uncover an outside child. They lived hand to mouth, the farming being somewhat poor. Yet, his father would always share what he had right now with a neighbor who had less. He did have one complaint about America. He said, in Ethiopia, most everybody was poor but they were always happy, laughing, dancing, singing. Here, where we have everything, most everybody he met was frowning most of the time.
3.29.2012 | 10:33am
arty says:
Bill:
No one was advocating the view you were criticizing, thus the somewhat pointed nature of my response. As long as we're looking things up in dictionaries, I'll consult the s's for 'straw man.'
No one was advocating the view you were criticizing, thus the somewhat pointed nature of my response. As long as we're looking things up in dictionaries, I'll consult the s's for 'straw man.'
3.29.2012 | 2:07pm
Steve says:
What a wonderful positive article on big families.
When we were having our third child, a cousin of mine with six children told me we were going from man-to-man to zone. When we had our fifth child, another cousin with eight children told me the joy of having a baby and a teenager at the same time. You can hold the baby and love it unconditionally and then look at your teenager and remember there was a time when you loved that teenager in the same way.
I love the scene in the movie Yours, Mine and Ours on move-in day when Frank’s ten children and Helen’s eight merge. One of Helen’s younger children, among all the chaos, is walking along with her holding hands and says, “Can I have a friend over?”
In her book Raising Catholic Children, Mary Ann Kuharski says adding more children to a family is not a matter of division of love but a matter of multiplication. Last night when I saw our 17-year-old helping our 13-year-old with math homework and our 9-year-old reading to our 2-year-old, I know Mary Ann is right. Thanks for the article.
p.s. when someone asks us why we have so many kids I ask them which one should I give back.
When we were having our third child, a cousin of mine with six children told me we were going from man-to-man to zone. When we had our fifth child, another cousin with eight children told me the joy of having a baby and a teenager at the same time. You can hold the baby and love it unconditionally and then look at your teenager and remember there was a time when you loved that teenager in the same way.
I love the scene in the movie Yours, Mine and Ours on move-in day when Frank’s ten children and Helen’s eight merge. One of Helen’s younger children, among all the chaos, is walking along with her holding hands and says, “Can I have a friend over?”
In her book Raising Catholic Children, Mary Ann Kuharski says adding more children to a family is not a matter of division of love but a matter of multiplication. Last night when I saw our 17-year-old helping our 13-year-old with math homework and our 9-year-old reading to our 2-year-old, I know Mary Ann is right. Thanks for the article.
p.s. when someone asks us why we have so many kids I ask them which one should I give back.
3.29.2012 | 5:48pm
Chris Jeub says:
Very well said. Bravo, Betsy! I love the line, "You gave up on raising trophy children after the first two kids and, over the years, gradually accepted the fact that your children aren’t here to make you look good."
Not sure why we thought that with the first couple children. And so glad to have left that view of raising children behind.
Not sure why we thought that with the first couple children. And so glad to have left that view of raising children behind.
3.30.2012 | 10:55am
harry says:
I had said earlier, discussing my two children who have a serious medical affliction:
"Those two struggle but they have made it thus far, although one almost died a few years ago and then made a miraculous recovery that I have no doubt was due to an army of friends who were praying for him."
For the sake of readers who simply cannot understand why we would continue to have children after we already had three healthy children and found out we were carriers of a genetic disease that took the life of our fourth child, especially when, sure enough, two of the next seven children inherited the affliction. Yes. Those two struggle. But they are happy to be alive, and will be for all eternity. I do not expect, after their experiencing ten thousand years of ever increasing joy that always seems like one is just now getting to the really good part, to hear them say, "You know, Dad, you and Mom really shouldn't have had us." And I don't expect to hear anyone who is in heaven due to the grace of God that came to them through my son's ministry as a priest -- a son who was the second child born after we discovered we were carriers -- complaining about our having been so irresponsible as to continue to have children.
Contracepting Christian couples these days seem to have forgotten that God has His OWN plan for the children He wants to bring into existence through their union to serve Him as no other could or ever will on this Earth, and then to spend eternity with Him in unending, ever increasing joy.
"Those two struggle but they have made it thus far, although one almost died a few years ago and then made a miraculous recovery that I have no doubt was due to an army of friends who were praying for him."
For the sake of readers who simply cannot understand why we would continue to have children after we already had three healthy children and found out we were carriers of a genetic disease that took the life of our fourth child, especially when, sure enough, two of the next seven children inherited the affliction. Yes. Those two struggle. But they are happy to be alive, and will be for all eternity. I do not expect, after their experiencing ten thousand years of ever increasing joy that always seems like one is just now getting to the really good part, to hear them say, "You know, Dad, you and Mom really shouldn't have had us." And I don't expect to hear anyone who is in heaven due to the grace of God that came to them through my son's ministry as a priest -- a son who was the second child born after we discovered we were carriers -- complaining about our having been so irresponsible as to continue to have children.
Contracepting Christian couples these days seem to have forgotten that God has His OWN plan for the children He wants to bring into existence through their union to serve Him as no other could or ever will on this Earth, and then to spend eternity with Him in unending, ever increasing joy.
3.30.2012 | 6:10pm
Jo says:
Life is a riddle, with pleasant surprises from the Riddle Maker. In the long run of it, it was well worth it. In my case, eight children, eight riddles . . . and counting . . . Brings tears to my eyes, I love it!
3.31.2012 | 4:54pm
Raymond Takashi Swenson says:
It may not be obvious to everyone who reads this article and the comments that this is not just a conversation over Catholic teaching against contraceptives, but also includes families in denominations, like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), which do not object to use of contraceptive devices but nevertheless encourage having as many children as possible. The research I have seen suggests that Mormons have the largest families among US Christians, even more than Catholics. That is why five of the ten US counties with the lowest average age are in Utah.
There are two unique Mormon beliefs that affect this behavior. First, they believe that every child born on earth first lived with God the Father as His spiritual children, and that coming into mortal life is an essential stage in our development. Mormon parents feel that sense of expectation from future offspring. Second, Mormons believe that the relationships of husband and wife, and parents to child, are eternal, and will be enjoyed through endless time. Anticipating the joy of our offspring is part of the blessing of our ordinance of eternal marriage.
So for Mormons, having children reinforces our place in an eternal chain of personal love that extends back to our Father in Heaven. One of the most significant ways we believe we can implement our love for our Father is to advance His children into the next stage of eternity, and in doing so emulate the sacrificial love of Christ for us.
There are two unique Mormon beliefs that affect this behavior. First, they believe that every child born on earth first lived with God the Father as His spiritual children, and that coming into mortal life is an essential stage in our development. Mormon parents feel that sense of expectation from future offspring. Second, Mormons believe that the relationships of husband and wife, and parents to child, are eternal, and will be enjoyed through endless time. Anticipating the joy of our offspring is part of the blessing of our ordinance of eternal marriage.
So for Mormons, having children reinforces our place in an eternal chain of personal love that extends back to our Father in Heaven. One of the most significant ways we believe we can implement our love for our Father is to advance His children into the next stage of eternity, and in doing so emulate the sacrificial love of Christ for us.
3.31.2012 | 9:21pm
Carol says:
I love the article. My husband and I were childless for the first 8+ years of marriage, and then were blessed with two girls and 4 boys (which was my dream when we got married) over the next 13 years.
I tell people that the first child is the hardest adjustment for the marriage, the 2nd is the hardest to the family (the dethroned only), and after that it's economies of scale.
Two realizations helped make my life easier: 1) infants do not know the difference between work days and weekends/holidays; it's easier to take a nap with them later in the day than to get them to sleep later. 2) You never get back to the OLD normal, rather you create a new one each time a new child is added (or a child stops taking naps, etc.).
There is nothing in life that brings me great joy than to watch my children (now aged 15 to 28) enjoying being together. Just 2 weeks ago 3 of my children collaborated in putting on a Recorder performance at an elementary school. They had a great time doing it.
I tell people that the first child is the hardest adjustment for the marriage, the 2nd is the hardest to the family (the dethroned only), and after that it's economies of scale.
Two realizations helped make my life easier: 1) infants do not know the difference between work days and weekends/holidays; it's easier to take a nap with them later in the day than to get them to sleep later. 2) You never get back to the OLD normal, rather you create a new one each time a new child is added (or a child stops taking naps, etc.).
There is nothing in life that brings me great joy than to watch my children (now aged 15 to 28) enjoying being together. Just 2 weeks ago 3 of my children collaborated in putting on a Recorder performance at an elementary school. They had a great time doing it.
4.1.2012 | 2:48pm
Fr. Fernando Mignone says:
I enjoyed the article and the discussion, but suggest to some to please tone it down: we are all brothers and sisters of a large family and should behave accordingly (there I go, preaching again).. I will keep all this and pass on some of these beautiful stories and comments in preaching and spiritual direction. To add a personal note, I am the fourth of five children, after which our Mom had three miscarriages and... she married at age 32. Two other points: a) I do not doubt, from seeing this in pastoral ministry, that there is a lot of sacrifice and self-giving involved in raising kids, and that is precisely Christ's teaching, that the Cross leads to happiness; b) the marriage vocation is, or is supposed to be, as difficult as the celibate vocation.
4.1.2012 | 11:14pm
Bob Ligget says:
Betsy, I wanted to read, consider, and re-read before commenting, hence the delay. Most of what I've read of those who disparage large families have either a political agenda (over-population, resource depletion and so on) or a socio-cultural bias (selfish parents, religious robots, etc.). To be fair, some who are critical reflect their personal backgrounds of smaller families and it's simply how they themselves were raised to believe. And we see the same among communities who value large families; if it's culturally accepted and promoted, you'll see only the benefits. Throw in religious support for or against large families and we can see why the disparity of opinions and occasionally the vituperative comments.
Even a cursory look at American social history reveals the shift in opinions regarding large families. A more agrarian America valued more children out of necessity. There was work to be done! Urban and suburban families have less need. Throw in changing attitudes toward self-fulfillment and how children are alleged impediments, add a dose of current anti-religious sentiment (especially Christian) and here we are.
I'm glad you've brought the conversation back to the benefits of larger families and I agree with everything you've said. I might have added a little more about the behavioral and communication benefits to the children themselves. Family is where you learn about life and how to get along with other people and where values are developed, practiced and internalized. It prepares kids for what to do in the neighborhood and at school. That's what I've seen in the majority of large families I've known. Not all; dysfunction exists in families of all sizes, but by far the majority of large families I've observed are well-balanced. Like you say, the kids can actually relieve the parents of some "parental" duties as they help each other. Also true is your observation that there is just no time for the incessant helicoptering that is so destructive to teaching responsibility and accountability to children.
Finally, I'm glad for the comments already offered that show how religious faith can mitigate any of the myriad challenges that come with large families. If we see children as a blessing from God and not a burden He places on our shoulders, it shapes our attitudes and behaviors and gives us confidence that together, families and God, all challenges can be overcome.
(Disclaimer: I have only three children, so I have no vested interest in promoting larger families)
Even a cursory look at American social history reveals the shift in opinions regarding large families. A more agrarian America valued more children out of necessity. There was work to be done! Urban and suburban families have less need. Throw in changing attitudes toward self-fulfillment and how children are alleged impediments, add a dose of current anti-religious sentiment (especially Christian) and here we are.
I'm glad you've brought the conversation back to the benefits of larger families and I agree with everything you've said. I might have added a little more about the behavioral and communication benefits to the children themselves. Family is where you learn about life and how to get along with other people and where values are developed, practiced and internalized. It prepares kids for what to do in the neighborhood and at school. That's what I've seen in the majority of large families I've known. Not all; dysfunction exists in families of all sizes, but by far the majority of large families I've observed are well-balanced. Like you say, the kids can actually relieve the parents of some "parental" duties as they help each other. Also true is your observation that there is just no time for the incessant helicoptering that is so destructive to teaching responsibility and accountability to children.
Finally, I'm glad for the comments already offered that show how religious faith can mitigate any of the myriad challenges that come with large families. If we see children as a blessing from God and not a burden He places on our shoulders, it shapes our attitudes and behaviors and gives us confidence that together, families and God, all challenges can be overcome.
(Disclaimer: I have only three children, so I have no vested interest in promoting larger families)
4.6.2012 | 12:10pm
frank says:
Bigger isn't always better! @harry when you say, "We have ten kids and raised them all on a single income." I congratulate you on that, however. I'm an only child, so I've only known life in a small family. Definitely if you're part of a small family, or you're a child in a small family, you're the number one banana. You're parents do everything for you. They take care of only you, or if you have one other sibling, you know, if you live in a family of eight, you know, love and things like that have to shared more so, that's that.
4.10.2012 | 10:43pm
Denise says:
I can only say: thank you for this article and the comments that follow! This is a much needed discussion, and I drank it up like water. My husband and I are only at the beginning - we have three under the age of 4. Coping with fatigue, the occasional selfish desire to return to the 'old normal', the counter cultural nature of our enterprise, financial worries on one-income in a two-income-housing-market, etc have at times clouded my joy in this still little family of ours. Your wisdom and experience affirm that all this is normal, but that it is more than possible to raise a large family and rise beyond our small-heartedness when we relinquish our control and trust in God's love and grace. Large families are 'doable' today because the heart of a family lies not so much in doing as it does in being. The importance of being present to my children and my husband in the smallest moments is a lesson I am learning right now. Perhaps there we find our greatest joy - and our greatest challenge. And joy there is, in abundance.
4.26.2012 | 9:09pm
Steven Rossberg says:
Thanks for the Article. I have 5 kids and recognize the wisdom of your comments.
