Mea Culpa Ad Infinitum

“Never apologize and never explain,” said John Wayne in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon , “it’s a sign of weakness.”

However prudent the Duke’s advice may be, if public figures were to heed it the media would soon go out of business. Apology-abetting, rather than news-reporting or narrative journalism,  has become the prime activity of the Fourth Estate. Consider these headlines, all within the past three days:

‘Facebook apologizes over blasphemy’; Univision apologizes for skit with African stereotypes; Glenn Beck Apologizes for His Comments About Obama’s Daughter; Argentinian President apologizes over Armenian move; Closeted Republican Senator Apologizes for Anti-Gay Voting Record; Simon Cowell apologizes to Crystal Bowersox; Oil regulator apologizes for ‘Drill Baby Drill’ cake.; UK Treasury minister apologizes over expenses; Newspaper apologizes for ‘Caucasian’ ad; Anne Taylor apologizes for excessive airbrushing; Panama apologizes in activist’s 1970 disappearance; Houston talk show host apologizes after calling for bombing of mosque; Canada apologizes for visa ‘language’; Duchess of York apologizes over newspaper sting; Ann Curry apologizes for mixing up her Wheatons; Gingrich Apologizes To Jewish Group For Obama-Nazi Comparison

After Watergate the popular journalistic adage was that the coverup was always worse than the crime. But today, when everyone covers up everything, the failure to apologize is the worst crime of all. Even if the person is not actually responsible for an incident (or is responsible but not truly sorry) they’re expected to appear before the press and express their deepest, sincerest apology. Having collected another sorry-scalp, the media feels it has done its job and adequately served the American public.

Eventually, though, the media will run out of politicians and celebrities and they’ll turn on us: In the future everyone will have their 15-minutes of mea culpa . In order to avoid this impending embarrassment I’ve decided to take a proactive approach and issue a preemptive apology for my innumerable transgressions:

—Because I am a Christian I realize that I must take responsibility for any atrocities committed in the name of my faith. I therefore apologize for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, Lutheranism, the Left Behind novels, and Joel Osteen.

— I apologize for using overheated political rhetoric. Specifically, my referring to Adolph Hitler as a Nazi and for implying that Joseph Goebbels used ‘Hitlerian’ tactics to advance his party’s political agenda.

— I apologize for being born a white American male. Even though it was my wish to be born a cocoa-skinned Ecuadorian girl, I still take full responsibility for the genetic hand that I was dealt.

— I apologize for referring to stupid people as being “unintelligent.”

— I apologize for constantly referring to the people of France as “cheese-eating surrender monkeys.”

— I apologize to my brother for all the tricks I played on him that went horribly wrong. Even though that part of the male chest is not a body part necessary to live a full and productive life, I apologize for my role in what our family refers to as the ‘Jumper-Cable Incident.’ I’m also sorry for lying when I told him that since it was made of the same material as a lizard’s tail, the useless appendage would grow back in a matter of weeks.

— I apologize for assuming that the readers of this blog are so prudish that they would be offended by my naming the body part mentioned in the above incident.

— I apologize for implying that my prissy readers might be “prudish.”

— I apologize for everything said/done by Republicans during the years 1997 and 2006.

— I apologize to those people who I told that Oprah Winfrey was my actual birth mother. I also apologize to the courts for failing to obey both the cease-and-desist letter and the restraining order sent from the lawyers at Harpo Productions.

— I apologize for my annoying habit of always being right.

— I apologize for contributing to global warming and the ensuing calamities of droughts, hurricanes, and Al Gore documentaries.

— I apologize to all the women at church who I refused to let speak to me unless they had their heads covered .

— Although he lost the general election by 872 million votes, I apologize for my attempt to elect Michael Dukakis.

— I apologize to (you know who you are) for (you know what I did).

— I apologize to Floyd Cramer for that time I used a dirty sewing needle to lance the boils on his neck, causing the wounds to become infected. I also apologize to the other people who were standing in line with us that day at the post office.

— On behalf of the people of Texas, I apologize for the Dixie Chicks.

— I apologize for making a lame, tired, and extremely dated reference to the Dixie Chicks.

I apologize to O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, and every member of the Congressional Banking Committee for repeatedly claiming, “Oh yeah, he’s guilty.”

— I apologize to my wife for making her believe that my earnings potential would increase after we were married, that I would become a better man, and for whatever that is going on with my toenails. I also apologize for anything that I may have said that offended her, especially those remarks made during last weekend’s ‘Jumper Cable Incident.’

If anyone I’ve maligned, insulted, lied about, slandered, embarrassed, libeled, injured, stalked, shot at, or given a dirty look to was offended by my words/behavior/presence then I would like to take this opportunity to express my most sincere and personal regret for your misunderstanding and overreaction.