On the Guardian’s language blog, Roz Kaveney—I dare not attempt any further description—complains of the linguistic difficulties in naming transgendered people:
As a trans man or woman, you soon notice how many people have what Daffy Duck called ‘pronoun trouble’.
No matter how supportive of your transition they claim to be, and how much well-intentioned advice they give you about your new hairstyle, or the name you always used in your head but only just told them about, they misgender you every other time they open their mouths, and get quite upset if you call them on it.
You’re being too sensitive, they say, or it’s too soon. Families, in particular, think it’s too soon even after years. Getting your name right is a minimum requirement of respect— referring to you in the third person by the wrong pronoun means that respect is only superficial politeness.
I used to think that straight men particularly tended to misgender me if they were losing an argument; now I’ve seen them do it to trans men too. Misgendering is sometimes cluelessness, but more often it’s quiet, hostile aggression, especially if we aren’t gratefully deferential for whatever crumbs of acceptance we are thrown—if we speak up as freely as if we were actual, you know, human beings.
Oh, and a word to far too many columnists and pub philosophers: the only time ‘it’ is acceptable is with neutrois-identified people, some of whom regard it as mandatory. And if that’s one rule too many to keep in your social vocabulary, well, tough.
Emily Post is certainly right that addressing someone by their proper title is one of the most basic and easiest ways to show respect, but the etiquette of gender identity can be truly exhausting.
July 1st, 2010 | 1:07 pm
This is so true. I work in an area where transgendered folks are a part of everyday life and where “queer theology” is ever-present. A colleague at another school, born a woman but “in transition” now, decided that she wanted to be referred to using “gender neutral” terms. So, if we all want to refer to her, we are to say “That so-and-so is a great person. I really like gher.” “Yes, ghe is a great person.” She went so far as to include these instructions on her email signature, and so many of my colleagues were eager to jump on board and start using these terms.
July 1st, 2010 | 2:17 pm
At least Emily Post published a book that was broadly agreed upon. If everyone gets to select the pronoun that refers to them/him/her/ghim/gher, I suspect that personal pronoun use will decline.
July 1st, 2010 | 4:30 pm
What struck me about her request was the self-centeredness of it. How narcissistic do you have to be to ask everyone else to refer to you with a different personal pronoun? But most of my colleagues were falling over themselves to accommodate her.
July 2nd, 2010 | 12:03 pm
How about “it.”
July 5th, 2010 | 1:06 pm
I can understand the author’s point, but I don’t think she realizes how difficult it can be to adjust your concept of someone you’ve known all your life. My cousin is trans (due to social engineering docs in the 70s that thought a boy could be made into a girl) and it was very hard to adjust to thinking of him as a male. I had all the best intentions but his female name often slipped out. If you’re going to make a huge change like that, you have to double up on patience. The ghe bit is going too far IMHO. I can’t figure out how you’re supposed to pronounce it!
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