Today marks my eighteen-month anniversary working for First Things. For a year and a half I’ve had the dual pleasure of working with the finest people in journalism and getting to know some of best readers anywhere on the web.
Yet while I’ve gotten to know many of you, I realize that most readers of this blog don’t know much about me. I don’t mean the usual demographic info either. I live here, I go to church there, I’m married to her, I like this, blah, blah, blah. Really, who cares about that stuff? What does that really tell you about me? Nothing of importance.
But why would you bother to read posts by someone who wasn’t willing to tell you something about themselves? I mean, really, what kind of shady character must I be to hide relevant facts about myself? Do I, like Anthony Sacramone, have something to hide? No I do not.
That’s why I’ve decided to give you a peek behind the curtain by sharing several dozen absolutely true items about me—various experiences, accomplishments, abilities, etc.—that will really give you a better sense of who I am:
1. I once solved the mysteries of the Navier-Stokes equations but forget the answer before I could write it down.
2. The Pirahã tribe whistle an epic tale of my grandeur.
3. The Canadian Forces Dental Branch has a standing order to kill me on sight.
4. I once ate a dingo’s baby.
5. At the age of four I was considered a classical banjo prodigy.
6. I can Martinize in less than one hour.
7. At the age of two I was kidnapped by Tibetan monks who believed I was the 17th reincarnation of the Buddha.
8. I have won awards for thumping tubs, noggins, and Bibles.
9. I am immune from prosecution.
10. Neurologists have diagnosed me as having a rare condition which causes me to skip leap years.
11. I can both tear holes in the space-time continuum and repair them with a quantum duct tape that I created for such purposes.
12. Amy Tan and I have been feuding for two decades, though neither of us can remember why.
13. I’m five IQ points smarter than I look.
14. When people ask “How’ve you been?” I want to answer “cheeky” but I usually just say “I’ve been fine.”
15. My inner child is a six-year-old girl named Erline.
16. The second best job I ever had was the summer I worked as a roadie for Lawrence Welk.
17. I sometimes go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. But most of the time I can’t be bothered with such nonsense.
18. I have the temperance of a Greek god.
19. I was thrown out of a G & T program after it was discovered that I was neither gifted nor talented.
20. The scent of my pheromones has been known to ease birthing pains in Chinese pandas.
21. It’s been said that my face resembles a Picasso painting. (Particularly, this one.)
22. On weekends I volunteer at nursing homes teaching krav maga to geriatrics.
23. I invented the word “excrescence.”
24. I was once the answer to 43 down in the New York Times Crossword puzzle.
25. Tom Wolfe wears white suits as an homage to my virtue.
26. The Oracle of Delphi prophesied that I would never amount to anything. (Which just goes to show that you can never trust Delphic oracles.)
27. I have often been the hero of ‘Choose Your Adventure’ novels.
28. I am all Sturm, no Drang.
29. I once quelled a riot in Chile by singing “Muskrat Love” in fluent Spanish.
30. My favorite color is blue.