How Soccer is Ruining America: A Jeremiad
March 5, 2009
Stephen H. Webb
Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.
What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.
For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.
1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.
2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.
Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.
3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score. Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.
4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.
Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch. The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.
Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves. Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.
I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me! Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. “Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.” That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.
Stephen H. Webb is a professor of religion and philosophy at Wabash College. His recent books include American Providence and Taking Religion to School.
What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.
For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.
1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.
2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.
Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.
3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score. Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.
4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.
Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch. The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America. For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America. The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.
Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves. Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills. American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.
I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me! Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried. “Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.” That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.
Stephen H. Webb is a professor of religion and philosophy at Wabash College. His recent books include American Providence and Taking Religion to School.
Comments:
6.3.2009 | 1:55pm
brian says:
moronic. And misguided.
6.3.2009 | 9:27pm
Mike says:
Apparently in your life you have never played soccer. I have played soccer my whole life and I think it is way more entertaining to play or watch, then sports like football, where an average play takes no longer than 8 seconds. I also played baseball, which is another sport that takes forever to play. Soccer there is hardly any stoppage. I think you should never judge something before you do it. I think you should find something to do with your life if you think somehow a sport is going to overtake America. You should get a life. Baseball is one of the slowest games I get tired of watching it in the first inning. Soccer at least moves. Until you actually play the game you will never know how much soccer really does take out of you. So I want to conclude that soccer is the best sport out there and that you deffinitly need to get a life if you are worried that soccer is going to control America.
6.17.2009 | 1:33pm
Dan says:
Unfortunately your take on soccer is without merit. Have you ever taken the time to truly understand the sport, have you watched professional soccer? I will just address your 4 points, although I could write a manuscript countering your entire article. 1.) Thank you for pointing out how we use our hands for everything, hence the beauty of the game, to train your body to use your feet to be able to manipulate a ball into doing your every bidding. And if you are going to reference God, I think the heavens would be elated with the fact that humans have found aways to utilize ALL that was given to them. 2.) I think you must have been joking with this one. Regardless, "breaking kids down," I am in no position to question your parenting, however, I do not think any sport condones "breaking kids down", let alone you wanting that to happen to any of your children. I simply disagree with your take on American sports as well for that matter (Which I am a huge fan of as well) 3.) No comment, baseless rant. 4.) Soccer is a sport, that places 11 vs 11, on a non-stop strategic battle, pitting the players to balance brains and brawn to defeat their opponent, there is no time out so someone watching on the sidelines can call in a play, there is no breather every 8 seconds or so. The game is about being able to react to what is thrown at you. It teaches you to anticipate your opponents actions and think creatively. Sounds like playing soccer could teach you how to be a winner at life.....let's just leave that to the women then, being successful at life. Men can go on and be told what to do by the coach..."swing away...bunt....run a button hook", "don't think for yourself, that's a woman's job."
On a side note, I am very glad your family comes home after soccer very happy.
On a side note, I am very glad your family comes home after soccer very happy.
6.25.2009 | 10:10pm
Stephen says:
"...to bring European decadence and despair to America."
PS. Those dirty Europeans developed the philosophy of Enlightenment which just so happened to be one of the guiding philosophies of our Founding Fathers as they wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. Might want to thank those decadent bastards.
PS. Those dirty Europeans developed the philosophy of Enlightenment which just so happened to be one of the guiding philosophies of our Founding Fathers as they wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. Might want to thank those decadent bastards.
6.26.2009 | 2:12pm
Sean says:
"I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end."
--- very sad, it seems your parenting skills are just as egocentric as your short-sighted article.
--- very sad, it seems your parenting skills are just as egocentric as your short-sighted article.
6.27.2009 | 9:19am
Shourin Roy says:
I wonder what Stephen Webb has to say about that wild eyed liberal Henry Kissinger's love for soccer. He was responsible for bringing the 1994 World Cup to the USA and he has again joined the 2018 World Cup bid. Yes, Kissinger who sported that funny accent was Secretary of State under Dick Nixon. It was a underhanded effort "to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture " all this while. Little did we know.
And Jesus spread his message of love and tolerance, how? By walking on his hands, I presume. That Galilee to Jerusalem walk was carried out by a body part that "needed redemption." Strange that this professor of religion talks about redemption in a derisory fashion. Wasn't that the message of Jesus? This is the sort of moronic drivel that we expect creationists to expound, not a professor of a liberal arts college.
I am certain, more now than ever that Jesus would have been the first soccer player in the world. For one, he wouldn't have to deal with the steroids infecting baseball. Use that argument when we talk about ignorant people who bring up soccer's dishonesty when they mention flopping. Or the orchestrated spectacle used to keep spectators interested in a baseball match. At least soccer has its own songs which are sung by fans on their own volition. Think about the global ministry that would be his audience rather than a small town in Indiana. Yes, Jesus would have loved that soccer.
All this carping about a game. In the end, the professor comes across looking like a dad complaining more about the demanding driving and scheduling conflicts of shuttling three daughters to three different games.
And Jesus spread his message of love and tolerance, how? By walking on his hands, I presume. That Galilee to Jerusalem walk was carried out by a body part that "needed redemption." Strange that this professor of religion talks about redemption in a derisory fashion. Wasn't that the message of Jesus? This is the sort of moronic drivel that we expect creationists to expound, not a professor of a liberal arts college.
I am certain, more now than ever that Jesus would have been the first soccer player in the world. For one, he wouldn't have to deal with the steroids infecting baseball. Use that argument when we talk about ignorant people who bring up soccer's dishonesty when they mention flopping. Or the orchestrated spectacle used to keep spectators interested in a baseball match. At least soccer has its own songs which are sung by fans on their own volition. Think about the global ministry that would be his audience rather than a small town in Indiana. Yes, Jesus would have loved that soccer.
All this carping about a game. In the end, the professor comes across looking like a dad complaining more about the demanding driving and scheduling conflicts of shuttling three daughters to three different games.
6.30.2009 | 4:12pm
Jonathan (Just-Football) says:
Professor Webb, I would like to draw your attention to this article on the soccer website Just Football:
http://www.just-football.com/2009/06/does-mainstream-america-still-hate.html
In which we debate the merits of your argument against soccer/football (as we know it across the pond). Personally I can't say I agree with your reasoning at all, but I do wonder if these are your views and yours alone, or if they reflect a wider held belief across mainstream America? If you wish to continue in the debate I would be delighted to hear more from you. Thanks.
Jonathan
http://www.just-football.com/2009/06/does-mainstream-america-still-hate.html
In which we debate the merits of your argument against soccer/football (as we know it across the pond). Personally I can't say I agree with your reasoning at all, but I do wonder if these are your views and yours alone, or if they reflect a wider held belief across mainstream America? If you wish to continue in the debate I would be delighted to hear more from you. Thanks.
Jonathan
7.1.2009 | 1:47pm
Michael says:
Stephen, you really do strike me as someone very misinformed and unintelligent. This is clearly the reason why you are professor at a mickey mouse institution and not a proper college or university. Soccer is an incredible game that brings people together. Your ignornace is embarrassing
8.13.2009 | 12:25pm
Ron says:
Wow. I wonder if this guy Stephen Webb is serious. The article is clearly a joke, either that or he is.
12.2.2009 | 5:51pm
Keith Breidenbach says:
I absolutely agree with EVERYTHING you write in this essay. I have, for years, stated that little kids playing soccer is destroying this nation. They all run around with little to no idea what they are doing. Anyone that can stand upright can run into the ball. I played one year of this sport and was amazed to see kids on the other team, as well as the one I played for, that I knew for a fact had no athletic ability whatsoever. I do give kudos to those that can master this sport, but for the millions of those that are just out there because mom and dad want their children out of their hair for awhile please stop participating. Getting a trophy because you made it to the game should not be your reward for basically accomplishing the task of getting your parents to watch you run around in a circle for an hour on a saturday.
12.13.2009 | 8:06pm
Jörg Kinderschänder says:
I'd love you to see you read that essay out in front of the likes of Vinny Jones, Chopper Harris, Robin Friday, Neil Ruddock etc.
They would quite happily show you how you can receive physical disfigurement from playing the game..
And I fear for your kids if you really are intent on 'breaking them down'. I hope someone calls social services in before it's too late..
They would quite happily show you how you can receive physical disfigurement from playing the game..
And I fear for your kids if you really are intent on 'breaking them down'. I hope someone calls social services in before it's too late..
1.19.2010 | 2:12am
Rob says:
This is one of the most tragically ill-informed articles I've ever read on any subject. Thankfully, most of your readers seem to agree with me.
6.9.2010 | 11:39am
Jerry says:
Unlike the liberal agenda, I grew up on the major American Sports, where I learned of winning and losing, teamwork/effort, and the rewards of dedication. Today, we do not have winners and losers, just participants, and all win trophies. Wonder why pro sports are all foreign nationals? This guy is right. We need to get back to winner/loser games, where it can be a close game, or a blow-out, whether by a poor team or good team. We indeed live in a new America, in more ways than one!!!
6.10.2010 | 9:05am
Billie says:
Yes, JERRY...I agree with you. The rest of the commenters seem to be into wantng to go back to Europe...intellectuals/liberals who are afraid to compete (capitalism is BAD!) type of theory.
It's true...America is going down with Soccer! I feel for kids in this system!
My Granddaughter is into it, but she's so win-oriented, that's she's the only one on her team who scores! She probably won't let this system take her down.
It's true...America is going down with Soccer! I feel for kids in this system!
My Granddaughter is into it, but she's so win-oriented, that's she's the only one on her team who scores! She probably won't let this system take her down.
6.10.2010 | 2:24pm
Joe says:
Fun piece. And I think a few commentators are taking things a bit too seriously. Seriously.
6.10.2010 | 4:55pm
FrB says:
Stephen, you have been able to put into words what I have struggled with for years. Even golf is more interesting to watch than soccer.
6.10.2010 | 4:57pm
MM says:
Too funny!
I personally love soccer, and growing up found it more challenging than other sports that I played at an organized level: baseball, basketball, and tennis. Great fitness is necessary for soccer, but so is a great touch on the ball (try controlling a pass that was launched from 30 or 40 yards away), and the ability to think on your feet with 10 other teammates all moving at the same time.
I personally love soccer, and growing up found it more challenging than other sports that I played at an organized level: baseball, basketball, and tennis. Great fitness is necessary for soccer, but so is a great touch on the ball (try controlling a pass that was launched from 30 or 40 yards away), and the ability to think on your feet with 10 other teammates all moving at the same time.
6.10.2010 | 8:09pm
Famijoly says:
Mike said: "I think you should never judge something before you do it."
I've never participated in a murder, but I judge it to be wrong. I've never driven while intoxicated but I judge that activity to be wrong. I've never been married, but I judge marriage to be good. Need I go on?
Stephen H. Webb's very thoughtful personal reflections on soccer present some legitimate concerns. Webb's children play the game. Obviously, he and his wife do think (judge) soccer to be harmful in and of itself to their children, or, as good parents, they would be obligated to not allow them to participate. Pope John Paul II was an avid soccer fan, even attending a game as Pope.
All that said, Webb's points are valid. Every sport has its characteristics that attract and detract the sporting public. Nothing wrong with a low-maintenance game like soccer: a open field, a couple of nets, a ball; kick the ball into the opponent's net, score 1. Very simple, very easy to put together. But Webb's points about soccer pulling children (and their parents) away from the more complex, higher-maintenance sports such as baseball highlight a real concern. Our children are not being challenged toward a more nuanced approach to life. Baseball, in my humble opinion, is the great sport it is because a player has to use his feet and legs, hands and arms, brain, and emotions in highly individual actions that shape the team effort. There is something going on, strategically, at every moment of a baseball game.
The gravitating away from the challenge of putting it out there, individually for a community effort, is what is hurting our society. Soccer, for all its merits, simply by the nature of the sport, provides a path of least resistance.
I've never participated in a murder, but I judge it to be wrong. I've never driven while intoxicated but I judge that activity to be wrong. I've never been married, but I judge marriage to be good. Need I go on?
Stephen H. Webb's very thoughtful personal reflections on soccer present some legitimate concerns. Webb's children play the game. Obviously, he and his wife do think (judge) soccer to be harmful in and of itself to their children, or, as good parents, they would be obligated to not allow them to participate. Pope John Paul II was an avid soccer fan, even attending a game as Pope.
All that said, Webb's points are valid. Every sport has its characteristics that attract and detract the sporting public. Nothing wrong with a low-maintenance game like soccer: a open field, a couple of nets, a ball; kick the ball into the opponent's net, score 1. Very simple, very easy to put together. But Webb's points about soccer pulling children (and their parents) away from the more complex, higher-maintenance sports such as baseball highlight a real concern. Our children are not being challenged toward a more nuanced approach to life. Baseball, in my humble opinion, is the great sport it is because a player has to use his feet and legs, hands and arms, brain, and emotions in highly individual actions that shape the team effort. There is something going on, strategically, at every moment of a baseball game.
The gravitating away from the challenge of putting it out there, individually for a community effort, is what is hurting our society. Soccer, for all its merits, simply by the nature of the sport, provides a path of least resistance.
6.10.2010 | 8:35pm
JAB says:
Wow, the commenters' tongue-in-cheek-o-meters needs a tune-up... (Their spellcheckers could use one, too.)
6.10.2010 | 8:41pm
Jeff says:
Folks, the lack of charity on the blogosphere isn't a requirement, simply an observation. There is no need to get quite so angry and ad hominem in your comments. Disagree strongly without calling into question the man's intelligence and parenting.
Anyway, Professor Webb is undoubtedly onto something here. I know the timing of these comments with the beginning of the World Cup is sure to rankle some, but there is something so weak about soccer.
The pretend injuries in soccer are among the least manly sights in all of sport. The commenter who tried to assert some sort of gladiatorial ethos by citing a bunch of skinny guys none of us have ever heard of was probably not joking, though it struck me as funny. "Watch out, these soccer guys might kick a ball at you and if it hurts you can lay down and wait for the stretcher." Come on, that is like a company that makes fleece blankets talking about how great their product functions as a sandpaper substitute.
American officers in WWII had their troops play American football because of the way that it captured the intensity and teamwork required in combat. If they had pushed soccer instead who knows what might have happened at Normandy and in the Ardennes.
Anyway, Professor Webb is undoubtedly onto something here. I know the timing of these comments with the beginning of the World Cup is sure to rankle some, but there is something so weak about soccer.
The pretend injuries in soccer are among the least manly sights in all of sport. The commenter who tried to assert some sort of gladiatorial ethos by citing a bunch of skinny guys none of us have ever heard of was probably not joking, though it struck me as funny. "Watch out, these soccer guys might kick a ball at you and if it hurts you can lay down and wait for the stretcher." Come on, that is like a company that makes fleece blankets talking about how great their product functions as a sandpaper substitute.
American officers in WWII had their troops play American football because of the way that it captured the intensity and teamwork required in combat. If they had pushed soccer instead who knows what might have happened at Normandy and in the Ardennes.
6.10.2010 | 10:09pm
Sarah says:
I have to say, first of all, that I enjoyed playing soccer as a kid--maybe because my coordination was too poor for baseball and most other sports where something had to be caught. That said, I enjoyed your article very much. And I had to laugh at your comment about reading books on the sidelines, which embarrassed your daughters. I don't blame you. Watching soccer can be excruciatingly dull. Way more fun to play than to watch. And I played to win--not just for the exercise. Winning is kind of the point of playing the game, though it ain't everything.
6.10.2010 | 10:55pm
John says:
To all the humorless drones - do yourself a favor and stay away from Swift's Modest Proposal - my goodness, has your sense of humor been surgically removed?
6.11.2010 | 4:07am
Al Shaw says:
I look forward to Stephen's analysis of Cricket - the only professional sport in which a five-day game can end in a tie - a sport, interestingly, devised as Britain's Empire was in its ascendency.
Meanwhile, here in England, we look forward to Team USA's demise in the Soccer (Ahm, Football, please) World Cup. Looks like the explanations for defeat have preceded the opening match of the tournament.
COME ON ENGLAND!
Meanwhile, here in England, we look forward to Team USA's demise in the Soccer (Ahm, Football, please) World Cup. Looks like the explanations for defeat have preceded the opening match of the tournament.
COME ON ENGLAND!
6.11.2010 | 1:33pm
ryan says:
people meet satire.
really.
great article, laughed out loud a few times.
how do such serious, taken aback individuals find such an article, and balk at it's obvious humorous tone???
really.
great article, laughed out loud a few times.
how do such serious, taken aback individuals find such an article, and balk at it's obvious humorous tone???
6.11.2010 | 5:10pm
Gatis says:
"What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch?..."
How can sport as dynamic as soccer be boring? I never saw a single professional soccer player being fat... have you noticed how many professional baseball and football players are just too fat? If soccer is boring, I have no words about these last two. I hope you at least agree being fat is a unhealthy thing.
"...When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet...."
Interesting. Have you noticed how civilized football or hockey are? Players can't use their feet. Imagine if they could use them!? Feet is not an instrument of badness. Make no mistake about it.
Soccer is just not more popular in the US because it has little stops and those a quick. There is very little room for advertisement. Oh, one more thing: players can't be fat!
Surely you never played soccer. Your article just makes that very clear. I just can't read it any further. I feel very bad for you, and your God too.
How can sport as dynamic as soccer be boring? I never saw a single professional soccer player being fat... have you noticed how many professional baseball and football players are just too fat? If soccer is boring, I have no words about these last two. I hope you at least agree being fat is a unhealthy thing.
"...When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet...."
Interesting. Have you noticed how civilized football or hockey are? Players can't use their feet. Imagine if they could use them!? Feet is not an instrument of badness. Make no mistake about it.
Soccer is just not more popular in the US because it has little stops and those a quick. There is very little room for advertisement. Oh, one more thing: players can't be fat!
Surely you never played soccer. Your article just makes that very clear. I just can't read it any further. I feel very bad for you, and your God too.
6.11.2010 | 6:16pm
lethargic says:
Peeps, the dude is clearly pressing his tongue firmly into his cheek. Lighten up!
6.13.2010 | 1:52am
Aaron says:
Some of the observations are funny, but the overall effort seems a lot like the pot calling the kettle black. Take, for instance, the insinuation that soccer players, who bump and jockey for position all game long, are effeminate for penalizing shoving, all the while forgetting that those chubby . . . er, I think the author thinks they're manly . . . baseball players, aren't even allowed to stand in the baseline, let alone touch each other with anything but the ball. What does that make the game designed for such porcelain prima donnas? The article would have done far better to focus on American sports that actually require testosterone (like football and basketball), and leaving aside the game that requires the least strength, aggression, and endurance.
6.13.2010 | 7:59am
lipso says:
For all of those berating baseball I hope you know that hitting a pitched ball is the hardest thing to do in the sporting world....That's just a fact...Yeah, we hear the argument that people don't understand the game of soccer. The truth is that they do understand the game and that's why many, many people detest the game of soccer. Yes, soccer is popular with many kids whose parents won't let them play aggressive sports because they don't have the skills needed for those aggressive sports. Soccer will never reach the status of the 4 major sports in the USA at the pro level. It will flourish at the amateur level due to non-athletic kids being able to play the game.
6.14.2010 | 2:29pm
Pele says:
Dead on. Kids need to go out and play, and make their own games etc, not be herded onto a field while parents stand on the sidelines judging each other.
6.14.2010 | 10:07pm
Charlie says:
The author made good use of satire to explain EXACTLY how the majority of Americans feel about soccer. I'm a sports fan and have tried to give soccer a chance the last couple of World Cups but just can't see the appeal. While the game is non stop, play frequently slows down to a crawl with long passes of "keep away". It's a perpetual game of ruined opportunity and "what if's" as the ball constantly gets kicked out of bounds, sails over or wide of the goal and players are constantly tripped and writhing on the ground. The offside rules make the game even more boring. The game waste 90 min. to provide the approximately 8 sec of excitement from one Football play or Baseball Home Run.
Also as to the author's 4th point, there's a reason the U.S Womens Team wins Olympic Gold yet few American care that the U.S Men tied England (and even less if we lost). I'm sure it's a fun game to play and can be a healthy lifetime activity but as a national spectator sport....Please? Haha......Maybe if the goals were bigger, the goalies couldn't use their hands either, fresh player substitutions on the fly like in Hockey and boards to keep the ball in play?
Also as to the author's 4th point, there's a reason the U.S Womens Team wins Olympic Gold yet few American care that the U.S Men tied England (and even less if we lost). I'm sure it's a fun game to play and can be a healthy lifetime activity but as a national spectator sport....Please? Haha......Maybe if the goals were bigger, the goalies couldn't use their hands either, fresh player substitutions on the fly like in Hockey and boards to keep the ball in play?
6.15.2010 | 12:13pm
Ikenna says:
Stephen Webbs take on football is absolutely moronic...and it's expected considering he has probably only seen his kids or american kids play. Please come down to Nigeria and watch our kids make magic with their feet or go to Spain or Brazil or...yes nearby Mexico. I tried watching super bowl (what's so 'foot' about the game) and frankly whatever excitement was clearly artificial... a show more than a game...i can imagine how boring a game like 'american football' or baseball will be on a local school pitch without the special effects...That why we africans don't even waste time on such games as we don't have what it take to put on 'shows' but can play the beautiful game as well as anyone
6.15.2010 | 3:19pm
Karen Janson says:
Poor, poor Mr Webb:
I know what you really fear: RUGBY!!! also coming to invade America!!!
But guess what, its popularity is rising, and soon you'll be subjected to this...
http://www.delfi.lt/news/daily/lithuania/article.php?id=16906925
BWAHHHAAAAHHAAHAHAHAHA!
...what the Austrian national rugby team did in the capital Vilnius. The team, which had just been defeated by Lithuania 48-0, performed one of their classic rugby songs...who knew they'd get nekkid???
I know what you really fear: RUGBY!!! also coming to invade America!!!
But guess what, its popularity is rising, and soon you'll be subjected to this...
http://www.delfi.lt/news/daily/lithuania/article.php?id=16906925
BWAHHHAAAAHHAAHAHAHAHA!
...what the Austrian national rugby team did in the capital Vilnius. The team, which had just been defeated by Lithuania 48-0, performed one of their classic rugby songs...who knew they'd get nekkid???
6.15.2010 | 4:46pm
KJ says:
PS re above: when you get to the website scroll about half-way down to the DELFI video.
6.17.2010 | 9:03am
nava says:
It seems that soccer fans are easily entertained....No wonder the crowds at soccer games are always drinking...It helps deflect the boredom. To be honest, soccer is a third world game and that pertains to most of the world since the USA relegates most countries to third world status. And if the rest of the world isn't third world status why do they all come to America to live??? Please keep your soccer where it belongs...As for me, I'd rather watch my grass grow as that's more exciting than soccer.
6.18.2010 | 2:42pm
Jim says:
Soccer is a truly american sport. It was played in the colonies. Many of the rules were developed in American collegiate competition. The 1904 Olympic gold medal (not recognized by FIFA, sniff) was won by a club from CANADA! FIFA started off in 1904 when it was founded by snubbing American soccer and the game has been in decline in North America ever since. Repeated attempts have been made to popularize the game, but soccer has died a natural death of disinterest at least three times and the current professional league has been on the point of dissolving for lack of money several times. If the so-called soccer fans knew the history of soccer in this country, they would realize that the trajectory of interest in soccer has been downward since its glory days as the national pastime in the 1800s. Repeated attempts to resuscitate its decaying corpse have proved over and over again to be futile.
6.18.2010 | 6:40pm
Russell says:
I fear many people on here watched the two US games against England and Algeria and made a judgment on the sport of soccer as a whole.
USA are ranked number 14 in the world in soccer. In basketball, Brazil are ranked number 14 in the world. If you wanted to introduce somebody to basketball, Anderson Varejao and co. wouldn't be a good example of how skillful the sport is.
Landon Donovan is, by consensus, the greatest US soccer player of all-time, and he is still in his prime. But Donovan recently failed to make the annual list of 100 greatest (active) players in the world in a UK soccer magazine. The US really are a team of scrubs (relative to Spain etc).
Before you make your mind up on soccer, watch Brazil, Spain or the Netherlands play. All of those teams play an attractive passing game in which they try to keep the ball on the ground and attacking players are constantly on the move trying to find space. This style is highly technical and great to watch. Players create chances through slick give-and-goes in comparison to the US team who utilize aerial passes and try to force the ball into the goalkeepers area in the hopes someone will be in the vicinity to tap the ball into the net.
On the official FIFA website, they keep statistics for how long the ball is in play. In the USA vs England game, the ball was in play for just 60 minutes, the lowest of any of the 23 world cup games so far, this was evident by the amount of times the ball went out of bounds for a throw-in.
The US team play a defensive "spoiler" style in which the basic strategy is to stop the opposition team from playing well, this comes at the expense of the American team creating chances as the tactic requires every US player to play "narrow" and bunch up in the center of the field. The plan requires all of the US players to stay behind the ball, with the exception of the two forwards. It is a classic (and somewhat effective) underdog tactic.
Because the American players are "marking up" the opposition players, there is no space to launch a counter attack, the strategy is then to simply launch the ball aerially into the scoring zone in order to get the forwards (preferably Altidore) to knock the ball down with his head and have another US player shoot the ball. You saw this strategy succeed for Bradley's goal against Slovenia. This means that when there is a chance for the opposition to work an attacking play, pressure the ball and force the other team into a turnover, either by making them misdirect a pass or by making them put the ball out of bounds. Once the US team has possession they then try to launch the ball into the opposition half with an aerial kick, rather than risk losing the ball in midfield or defense. Another facet of this strategy is "when in doubt, knock it out", that is when the ball is in your defense put it out of bounds if there is any chance of the opposition scoring.
This tactic is hated by soccer purists because it forgoes the subtleties of the game in favor of a "hit-and-hope" approach and comes of as "lucky" or "random" rather than skillful and deliberate. England play a similar "long ball" game but they have superior players so the system is marginally more attractive. If you watch the English Premier League, Stoke City play this exact style almost every game, much to the annoyance of their fans.
USA are ranked number 14 in the world in soccer. In basketball, Brazil are ranked number 14 in the world. If you wanted to introduce somebody to basketball, Anderson Varejao and co. wouldn't be a good example of how skillful the sport is.
Landon Donovan is, by consensus, the greatest US soccer player of all-time, and he is still in his prime. But Donovan recently failed to make the annual list of 100 greatest (active) players in the world in a UK soccer magazine. The US really are a team of scrubs (relative to Spain etc).
Before you make your mind up on soccer, watch Brazil, Spain or the Netherlands play. All of those teams play an attractive passing game in which they try to keep the ball on the ground and attacking players are constantly on the move trying to find space. This style is highly technical and great to watch. Players create chances through slick give-and-goes in comparison to the US team who utilize aerial passes and try to force the ball into the goalkeepers area in the hopes someone will be in the vicinity to tap the ball into the net.
On the official FIFA website, they keep statistics for how long the ball is in play. In the USA vs England game, the ball was in play for just 60 minutes, the lowest of any of the 23 world cup games so far, this was evident by the amount of times the ball went out of bounds for a throw-in.
The US team play a defensive "spoiler" style in which the basic strategy is to stop the opposition team from playing well, this comes at the expense of the American team creating chances as the tactic requires every US player to play "narrow" and bunch up in the center of the field. The plan requires all of the US players to stay behind the ball, with the exception of the two forwards. It is a classic (and somewhat effective) underdog tactic.
Because the American players are "marking up" the opposition players, there is no space to launch a counter attack, the strategy is then to simply launch the ball aerially into the scoring zone in order to get the forwards (preferably Altidore) to knock the ball down with his head and have another US player shoot the ball. You saw this strategy succeed for Bradley's goal against Slovenia. This means that when there is a chance for the opposition to work an attacking play, pressure the ball and force the other team into a turnover, either by making them misdirect a pass or by making them put the ball out of bounds. Once the US team has possession they then try to launch the ball into the opposition half with an aerial kick, rather than risk losing the ball in midfield or defense. Another facet of this strategy is "when in doubt, knock it out", that is when the ball is in your defense put it out of bounds if there is any chance of the opposition scoring.
This tactic is hated by soccer purists because it forgoes the subtleties of the game in favor of a "hit-and-hope" approach and comes of as "lucky" or "random" rather than skillful and deliberate. England play a similar "long ball" game but they have superior players so the system is marginally more attractive. If you watch the English Premier League, Stoke City play this exact style almost every game, much to the annoyance of their fans.
7.2.2010 | 3:48pm
Dylan says:
Good god I hope this is a joke. Sadly it sounds like something a right wing wack job would say =/
7.4.2010 | 2:31am
bigboss says:
this got to be a joke......soccer is the best sport in the world. no sport gives u better footwork ask kobe or nash!!!...and talk about team work ! soccer s got it all....
7.12.2010 | 12:27am
sean says:
fag....baseball isn't a sport...everyone knows that...it's a competition like scrabble or poker...so is football...anything where a 300 pound blob can be called athletic is hardly a sport....as for breaking down...if you got broke down in the sport where most people get drunk and still manage to succeed in (just like golf and bowling), you should maybe go to a doctor and have him find out why your balls aren't working
10.11.2010 | 5:07pm
Steve says:
Wow. The comments here certainly illustrate something about the general intellectual acuity of people who comment at this site.
It's called satire, people. Look it up. Then try to recognize it. Sheesh.
It's called satire, people. Look it up. Then try to recognize it. Sheesh.
10.21.2010 | 12:31am
Myrian says:
With all the respect that this author deserves for other books he has wrotten, such as Good Eaten, I think with this book he is showing his weak side. I will not be surprised if he writes again sports involving animals who are cruelly used for spectacles. But about soccer? it is a matter of taste no of morality that is his expertese. Webb is a smart person who welcomes changes, at least in religious matters. He has changed his religious afiliation several times. I hope that with a more deep research on soccer, using a methodology that includes narrative, interwies, and other instruments that can confront him with people who enjoy and who play soccer, he can change his opinion. Moreover, with this inclination to judge, probably he could become a good referee.
11.2.2010 | 2:59am
Merry Go Rounds says:
For me Soccer is something without which i cannot imagine my life. it taught me the spirit of sports and fight to win in a competitive way. It really takes you on the edge and produces that entho. I do not think it is ruining America in any way.
1.6.2011 | 2:10pm
Bluelock says:
I admire the passion and intelligence with which you write. While I do disagree with some of your key points (who cares if soccer limits you to using your feet? It's no different that the fact that you can't hold a basketball and walk down the court without dribbling the ball. It's just a part of the game!), I think you've made a solid case here. Even so, who are we to make such claims and what can we do about our wishes? You nor I could ever completely abolish soccer in our country. Are you actively trying to ban it in your church or school system or community? I'd be interested in hearing what kind of action you've taken in response to these strong feelings you have.
2.3.2011 | 8:16pm
Steve says:
There really is no difference between the eloquent writing of Stephen Webb and the average "Go 'Murrica" sports knuckle dragger. Webb just dresses it up more "intelligently." This all stems from a deep seated insecurity he has regarding his nationality, and probably his purpose in this world. By trying to seem like Americans are so different, so superior, people like Webb only look afraid and feeble. If something like a foreign sport scares you so much, you truly need help Mr. Webb. And by the way, Baseball is European too despite the rule changes we made. I'm sure that hurts.
3.6.2012 | 2:34am
Lawrence says:
Repeated attempts have been made to popularize the game, but soccer has died a natural death of disinterest at least three times and the current professional league has been on the point of dissolving for lack of money several times. pneumonia symptoms
If the so-called soccer fans knew the history of soccer in this country, they would realize that the trajectory of interest in soccer has been downward since its glory days as the national pastime in the 1800s. Repeated attempts to resuscitate its decaying corpse have proved over and over again to be futile.
If the so-called soccer fans knew the history of soccer in this country, they would realize that the trajectory of interest in soccer has been downward since its glory days as the national pastime in the 1800s. Repeated attempts to resuscitate its decaying corpse have proved over and over again to be futile.
4.10.2012 | 4:50pm
Ben says:
Brilliant social analysis! Let's not be too swift to judge. Mr. Webb has put forth a modest proposal deserving of some serious thought on matter's of gender, politics, and parenting. "Otherwise, they want to play with me!" "peanut butter and jelly of parenting" "Buddhist monks on steroids" "trick or treat smell my hands" too many gems to count! More web-based punditry ought to strive for these heights!
3.3.2013 | 11:37am
Walt says:
Well done. It's apparent that those offended in some way by this insightful and lightly sarcastic article have completely missed your point which is an important one. This isi my first visit to this website but certaqinly wont be my last. I thank you. Best wishes for continued success.
3.16.2013 | 10:42pm
Payton says:
You have obviously no respect for anything in life. Soccer takes talent. I guess only the ones who can actually play the beautiful game can understand this.
3.22.2013 | 5:20am
Vince says:
Professor? Seriously? Is he really a professor? Surely, moron wold be a more suitable title.
The US has basically exported its culture to the world. And most of it has changed our lives for the better. The only 2 things I can see that the rest of the world does not want is your sport and your beer. Because, in spite of massive marketing and multi-million ad campaigns, you cannot alter the fact that they are both utter shite. (not those microbreweries, you know who I mean)
The US has basically exported its culture to the world. And most of it has changed our lives for the better. The only 2 things I can see that the rest of the world does not want is your sport and your beer. Because, in spite of massive marketing and multi-million ad campaigns, you cannot alter the fact that they are both utter shite. (not those microbreweries, you know who I mean)
