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Disney, the studio that gave up on Narnia, has given us an early Christmas movie with a remake of a Dicken’s classic A Christmas Carol. Since I refuse to go to any Christmas film before Thanksgiving, I will not see it soon, but there are ten reasons I dread seeing it.

If you have seen it, please let me know if my fears are justified.

First, this is a remake of a story with several very good versions already. My favorite has Muppets in it, but if you prefer Dickens without singing rats you should find Alastair Sims black and white almost-masterpiece. Plato warns us of images of images of images. By now, we should fear a kind of Form of Evil from Hollywood’s jillioneth remake of the story.

Second, this film features multiple Jim Carey performances. One Jim Carey is a good deal . . . and his movie performances have been uneven. We will now see if Carey has reached the point where Robin Williams attained in Patch Adams where he began to play himself playing roles.

Third, this film features the animation style that gave my children nightmares in Polar Express. Will we be subjected to more charming characters with soulless eyes?

Fourth, the trailers for this movie have all the Dickensian charm of a roller coaster.

Fifth, an unlimited special effects budget in a film about ghosts is likely to cause the story to vanish in favor of MORE COOL STUFF! Woo. Hoo.

Sixth, if they don’t say, “God bless us everyone.” the film has decided to be politically correct and will butcher the rest of the film’s message. If they do say it, then some poor actor is almost sure to schmaltz up a line that works in print, but only a frog has ever said without hammy-ness.

Seventh, there is sure to be a section on fearing “ignorance and want” that implicitly argues for government run universal health care for poor Tiny Tim.

Eighth, American actors will either try a British accent or Scrooge and others will inexplicably not have one. Either way the linguistic jumble will hurt the ears.

Ninth, Disney will create a “cool” pop culture song for the trailer and I will have to listen to it for five minutes to see a “bonus scene” at the end.

Finally, Jim Carey will cavort about after his redemption. Hollywood does not do salvation well and I fear he will merely look like he is on speed. Killing Scrooge modern Hollywood does well, but so bitter and cynical have they become that happy endings bring out their worst qualities.

I suspect the end will look more like an amusement park ride than a religious conversion.

Given what I have seen so far this entire film is making me want to say, “Bah! Humbug!” but then this is exactly the sort of uncreative and hackneyed writing that the glimpses of the film I have seen seems to use.

Bah. Humbug.

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