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Office of the White House
Czar for Celebration and Jollification
Alcibiades Antinous, Director

RE: The White House Christmas Crèche

Someone must tell the President that his display of the Christmas crèche is inconsistent with our recent policies regarding holiday celebrations in the United States.

The display of the crèche will self-evidently lead to an Iranian style theocracy. If the President chooses to place a crèche in his house many of us in the community of no-faith will feel pressured to put a crèche in our house.

Just yesterday I was hosting a party in my own fashionable Georgetown duplex and someone commented that my replica of the Oval Office and White House decorations was incomplete because I lacked a crèche! Now I can take this kind of heat, but should this kind of bigotry exist in this free nation?

Despite the fact that use of Christian symbols has been a consistent practice of every administration since the founding of the United States, it is never too late to worry about this problem.

Just because it has always been done harmlessly, does not mean it isn’t just about to be harmful. We have been warning about the danger of singing songs like The Battle Hymn of the Republic and playing the “I Have a Dream Speech” by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. for decades, but perhaps the President is willing to listen to us now.

There is a clear and present danger in this crèche to our liberties.

The entire Christmas story as pictured in the crèche is inconsistent with our policy to commercialize holidays and so stimulate the economy. Since acquiring so much of the private sector in the government bailout, our office has made a concerted policy to commercialize the holidays. The man attending church or praying is not in the mall buying.

Isn’t this obvious?

It treats a particular religion as different from other religions and so undercuts our policy to confuse differences. Our present mantra is that all religions are the same, so that people will not look into the tedious details. Pointing out that the founder of one religion is called “the Prince of Peace” through carols and crèches marginalizes other religions whose founders killed people.

Finally, the Christmas story itself, as demonstrated by the figures in the crèche, is inconsistent with the policies of this office. We used several million dollars in a stimulus grant to study the crèche problem and were easily able to come up with ten ways this crèche is inconsistent with present administrative policies. We have put together a policy briefing book outlining the problems in three hundred pages, but here is an executive summary of What Must Go in the Christmas Story.

First, the so-called wise men set a bad example. They are not accredited, so far as we can discover, by any government approved credentialing agency. Who says they are “wise?”

We also discovered that several people in the office were made to feel “other than” by the use of the term “wise man” on both gender and educational grounds.

The situation is worse if they are called “kings.” The notion that a government official should bow the knee to any authority outside government, as in the Baby Jesus, would set a bad precedent. It is in that direction one finds the tea party people.

The gifts given will not stimulate the economy. None of them are from government owned TARP businesses. Couldn’t they have brought Joseph and Mary a GM car? That would improve the crèche considerably. In fact, the use of gold as a gift implies a “hard money” view of currency inconsistent with present administration policies.

Second, the shepherds represent a view of work and economics inconsistent with our present policies. These shepherds lacked a union and were “keeping watch over their flocks by night.” Angels appeared and ordered them to Bethlehem, but failed to find adequate means of transportation. The implication is that these exploited workers walked or ran.

Third, the use of animals in the crèche does not meet modern standards for the housing of livestock. Many of them are pictured in quarters that are cramped and filled with filthy straw. One of our more sensitive commission members could not stop weeping when she saw the crèche ox kneeling in what she described as “an unnatural position.”

Fourth, the “virgin” Mary is a terrible role model for our women. Where to begin with the problems? She was forced by her culture to keep an inconvenient baby. Her very title glorifies an unhealthy abstinence. She is well known for her humility and not her self-esteem, undermining decades of educational effort. She has become associated with Catholics and other retrograde groups.

Fifth, Joseph is an even worse role model for our men. He is upset when he discovers his fiancée might be pregnant by another man indicating a moral judgment about such behavior. When Joseph finds out Mary is “good,” he “takes care” of his pregnant wife without any government assistance. This is both demeaning to Mary and to the government.

Sixth, the “angels” appearing in the scene are flying without FAA clearance. When contacted, Gabriel refused to acknowledge the authority of this office if he needed to make an announcement over American airspace. We have ordered a Homeland Security investigation.

Seventh, government officials such as Herod are routinely shown in a negative light. This is, perhaps, the most serious problem. It is hard to serve the public, but when government officials are shown as “monsters” it gets harder to attract the right kind of forceful person to the civil service. At the very least, if the crèche must be shown, shouldn’t Herod be able to give his side of the story?

We need a Crèche Fairness Doctrine!

Eighth, the use of a “manger” to house the infant Jesus and “swaddling clothes” both fail any reasonable test for good parenting. The cost to the economy alone of such cut-rate child rearing is staggering.

Ninth, both Mary and Joseph home-schooled the infant Jesus, and the boy Jesus ended up embarrassing many well-known teachers. It’s just one step from a make-do-manger to do-it-yourself-schooling, and the President cannot afford to lose the teacher’s union.

Tenth, the delivery of the Baby Jesus without government run health care sets a bad example. Need I say more about this? How can we convince people that everyone will die without government run health care when this crèche is sitting in the White House?

The President should realize that he has already let down the progressive community through his bellicose “Peace Prize Speech” and angered the no-faith community through his use of Christian “just war” rhetoric. The faithless are growing restive and placing a crèche in his own home is beginning to make many of us think or believe that his public protestations of Christian belief are genuine.

Can he afford to offend a key three percent of the voting public to cater to the whims of three-quarters of the nation at Christmas?

The good news is that the President is left with an important part of the Holiday story that he can use to illuminate the real importance of the season.

Please let the President know that the only part of the Christmas story acceptable to this office is Luke 2:1: “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.”

More on: Politics, Christmas

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