Predictions for 2010

At the beginning of 2009, I compiled a list that included 1,034 predictions for the coming year. I later went through and narrowed it down to the top 500 that I was absolutely certain would happen. Even after cutting the list down, though, I only managed to achieve a 67% accuracy rate. (Unfortunately, I forgot to post that list so it is difficult to verify.)

This year, in an attempt to get 100% correct, I’ve cut my list of predictions to the ones that I’m absolutely sure will come true. Here is what will happen in 2010:

—After a heated debate over whether it is an abnormal psychological malady or the sign of a healthy psyche, the American Psychiatric Association will add “Bush Derangement Syndrome” to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV.

—When discovered alive and well and living in a beach house in Nice, France, Yasser Arafat will confess that he faked his death because “living in Palestine sucks.”

—Agricultural subsidies will come under increased scrutiny after the discovery that soylent green, one of Iowa’s most heavily subsidized crops, is people.

—Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) will submit legislation authorizing the president to grant letters of marque to fight the War on Drugs.

—The Iraqi government will officially change the country’s name to Babylon just to freak out the pre-mill dispensational evangelicals.

—For the 56th year in a row, political activists will once again attempt to immanentize the eschaton.

—A rogue architect will use dynamite to blow up the Cortlandt Homes housing project.

—Cable news stations will ignore rampant urban crime in order to focus obsessively over the latest case of a MMPYWSW (Missing, moderately-pretty, young, white, suburban woman).

—A cable news host and/or President of the United States will refer to a confessed criminal as an “alleged suspect.”

—Bloggers will continue to mau-mau the mainstream media in the hopes of being able to sell out and be co-opted by an establishment media company.

—The United Nations will be the subject of another scandal after it’s discovered that no-bid contracts were offered to Halliburton for the purchase of the UN’s fleet of Black Helicopters.

—A court case that no one will care about by the end of the decade will be dubbed the “Trial of the Century.”

—A pathetically geeky and friendless 11-year-old will win the National Spelling Bee.

—The Irish Republican Army will file a grievance with the UN for not being included in the Global War on Terrorism.

—Congress fails to pass an immigration reform bill. Hungry, job-less workers, with no discernable skills or ability to speak our language will continue to pour in from Canada.

—After being caught exiting a Motel-6 in Boise, ID, Ann Coulter and Al Franken will admit they’re secretly married.

—An internal DNC memo will reveal that the Democratic Party is seeking ways to retain control of Congress without having to “kiss up to poor people and minorities.”

—In preparation for the 2010 elections the GOP reveals that its strategic plan consists of nothing more than relying on the Democrats to implode.