Predictions for 2011

At the beginning of 2010, I compiled a list that included 1,034 predictions for the coming year. I later went through and narrowed it down to the top 500 that I was absolutely certain would happen. Even after cutting the list down, though, I only managed to achieve a 67 percent accuracy rate. (Unfortunately, I forgot to post that complete list so my claim is difficult to verify.)

This year, in an attempt to get 100 percent correct, I’ve cut my list of predictions to the ones that I’m absolutely sure will come true. Some of these are leftover from last years prediction, but I’ve added them since I am absolutely certain they will happen in 2011:

—Democrats prepare to filibuster proposed new legislation only to discover that Republican legislators were merely reading the text of the U.S. Constitution.

—In England, celebrations of the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible are delayed when it is discovered that no one in the country actually possesses a copy.

—In an effort to rebrand unpopular health care legislation, Democratic pollsters will announce that they are changing the name of Obamacare to Biebercare.

—When discovered alive and well and living in a beach house in Nice, France, Yasser Arafat will confess that he faked his death because “living in Palestine sucks.”

—Agricultural subsidies will come under increased scrutiny after the discovery that soylent green, one of Iowa’s most heavily subsidized crops, is people.

—The Iraqi government will officially change the country’s name to Babylon just to freak out the pre-mill dispensational evangelicals.

—For the 57th year in a row, political activists will once again attempt to immanentize the eschaton.

—A rogue architect will use dynamite to blow up the Cortlandt Homes housing project.

—Cable news stations will ignore rampant urban crime in order to focus obsessively over the latest case of a MMPYWSW (Missing, moderately-pretty, young, white, suburban woman).

—A cable news host and/or President of the United States will refer to a confessed criminal as an “alleged suspect.”

—Bloggers will continue to mau-mau the mainstream media in the hopes of being able to sell out and be co-opted by an establishment media company.

—The United Nations will be the subject of another scandal after it’s discovered that no-bid contracts were offered to Halliburton for the purchase of the UN’s fleet of Black Helicopters.

—A court case that no one will care about by the end of the decade will be dubbed the “Trial of the Century.”

—The Irish Republican Army will file a grievance with the UN for not being included in the Global War on Terrorism.

—Congress fails to pass an immigration reform bill. Hungry, job-less workers, with no discernable skills or ability to speak our language will continue to pour in from Canada.

—After being caught exiting a Motel-6 in Boise, ID, Ann Coulter and Al Franken will admit they’re secretly married.

—Someone you have never heard of will attempt to “friend” you on Facebook.