Michele Bachmann’s No-Popery Campaign

Well, well, well. The things you learn on these here Internets. Seems that Lutherans no likey the pope. And Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann used to be a Lutheran , a WELSian more precisely (not to be confused with us Wellsians ), and so is tainted by the intolerant anti-Antichristism of that congregation.

I, myself, am outraged. Even if I weren’t myself, I’d at the very least be irked. To think that buried deep within the spirit of the first Protestants, nay, the first Evangelicals, lies the hate that dare not speak its name, unless it’s being spoken by virtually everyone in the mainstream media. Sure, Bachmann is no longer a practicing Lutheran, having now graduated to even meaner wards, certificate in hand, no doubt, declaring her free of rum, Romanism, and ratiocination. But the question remains: When she sat under the teaching of those perfidious Lutherans, did she ever speak up in favor of the papacy? Did she ever wax wistful about the triple tiara? Did she ever put in a good word for Alexander VI or Leo X (or Malcolm X, for that matter, but don’t get me started on the race issue)?

In short, can we allow the election of a Protestant to the highest office in the land? Do we want mayonnaise sandwiches served in the White House cafeteria? Could we abide Moose Lodges and inflatable swimming pools and NASCAR logos to dot our fair land? Will we stand for the iconoclastic debaucheries that will be the very ruination of our churches, not to mention our bowling alleys? I think not, my friends.

In 2008, then-candidate Barack Obama took heavy incoming for having congregated with the likes of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, whose idea of interfaith dialogue consisted of Holocaust agnosticism. In the interest of fairness, I think Bachmann’s having fraternized with anti-Antichristers like Lutherans and their ilk (and there’s nothing more icky than having an ilk) should also come under the scrutiny of every patriotic American currently off medication without written permission from a board-certified physician.

Granted, I would as soon have voted for that kid Urkel before pulling the lever for Ms. Bachmann, even had her ecclesiastical wantonness never come to light. But now I vow not merely to ignore her as if she were a pimple on a 13-year-old’s forehead, but to lead a charge against her, fearing that pimple a full-blown melanoma. I will scrutinize, analyze, even deodorize, every anti-Antichristy thought, word, and deed Ms. Bachmann has ever thought, worded, and didded, seeing them for what they are, mere cover for the oldest prejudice still eligible for federal aid.

And I will begin that awesome task just as soon as I get closure on this whole Area 51 thing. Weather balloon my . . .