Don’t Ask Me How I Got This

My high-powered lawyers are on stand-by in case things go beyond the denial strategy, but here goes, a Pomocon exclusive:

Lena Dunham: Well, the thing I mentioned yesterday is actually much further along than that. Sally’s [ Ms. Dunham’s agent ] been emailing me about her negotiations with one of these PACs, one essentially controlled by the White House, and I’ve got a conference call on it this afternoon.

Dunham Friend: No way! Wow . . . look, I’d offer congratulations, but I’m still pretty stunned at your plan. Or did I get it wrong? You’re seriously going to try to game the President and his campaign? Might there be a legal issue, or some other ramification? You’re messing with some powerful . . . people way out of your league . . .

Lena: . . . no, they’re idiots, they’re falling for it, they’re . . .

DF: By “it” you mean this sex thing, this “first time” bit? How does it work again?

Lena: Well, I slip a couple of their war on women and gotta-vote talking points into a coy little girl-to-girl thing about how you want your “first time” to be with a cool guy, not with an uncool guy who does the things that Romney does, not voting for this, saying that, etc. It goes back and forth between it being about a guy, or about voting for president.

DF: Right, right . . . but they’re willing to do it?

Lena: So far. They’re reacting just as I told you they would, but I gotta say, now that it’s really happening, perhaps, I can’t believe it either! I’m in some kind of awe of myself. The President! Getting scammed by me!

DF: Look, I don’t think you really heard me before. The problem is, you may be scamming yourself . This is a level of irony over most people’s heads, and people respect you . . . the way you described it, it’s aimed at the fence sitters, folks like you and I but less intellectual. Aren’t you worried you might actually convince them, actually help Obama win? It’s really close. Again, I am not as repulsed by him as you, but given what you think . . . I mean why not go to the Romney folks? They would surely pay for some kind of “I’m disappointed” non-endorsement confession, right?  Or just issue a statement, or say something in an interview, so it’s no money.  This is just a level of irony, or whatever it is, too deep, and when it comes out, a lot of folks are going to be totally pissed, especially our beautiful film and TV folks. No-one will understand—they’ll treat you better if you just come out openly against him. And if he wins? And you wind up thinking, “Did I help him, even though that wasn’t the plan?”

Lena: Well, it’s not going to come out, is it? Unless I’ve misjudged Sally, and I know I haven’t misjudged you and . . .

DF: Oh, I won’t be telling! But don’t do this, it’s crazy! It can’t work out for you in any way. If he wins by a tiny margin you’re going to be sick with regret, and . . .

Lena: Like I give a sh#* about Romney and those guys, like I care! Well, I do, but what can I do other than this?  To come out, now that’s the crazy talk here. Look, win or lose, I still think everyone will hate Obama in a few years, and so the stage will be set for revealing my real intentions—by the way, I’m recording this . . .

DF: You’re psycho. You better get my permission . . .

Lena: No-one will know it’s you, you chickensh#*!  A transcript or something. I’ll check with you, but the point is—I mean how awesome will it be! The biggest political hoax, the biggest bullsh#* ad since . . . well I don’t think anyone has done something like this. And you’re underestimating people—the whole point of this is to show how low he will go, how arrogant and lame he really is. It will backfire royal! And when the when the loser is getting creamed in November, well, not then, but when the time is right, I’ll reveal it, and f*&@ those who can’t understand! He is seriously going to have me say that voting for him is like getting laid by him! Like every woman in American wants him! Laughter Such a feminist! He’s so surreal . . .

DF: Well, I can’t say he doesn’t deserve it. But it sounds either too subtle, or they’ll reject it.

Lena: Our big line is, “If Lena Dunham is going to make an ad for you, it’s got to be provocative, edgy . . . ” all that sh#*. It’s working, I tell you, they’re really going to do it. I hope. And again, what else can I do? I’m not Mo Tucker with my career over, and I’m not really for the conservatives anyhow. This is it. It’s money, and maybe it will make a difference. If women are stupid enough to make it work the other way, well, they deserve him. My conscience is clean. And don’t give me that “The Problem with Irony” thing on this. This is—this is just running with the insanity, and seeing where things fall out. It’s what I can do, it’s the expected drama, as you say.