[Note: Every Friday on First Thoughts we host a discussion about some aspect of pop culture. Today’s theme is "men do not do" lists. Have a suggestion for a topic? Send them to me at jcarter@firstthings.com.]
During last week’s discussion of “50 Things a Man Should Be Able To Do,” a reader suggested we compile a list of things a man should never do. Although most people agreed that it was a worthy idea, one commenter warned that “The ‘should not’ list is inadvisable if it about cultural preferences and machismo.”
I disagree. I think the list should mainly consists of machismo and cultural preferences since those areas comprise the majority of things that men should not do. Besides, we’re creating a list, not drafting law. There’s no penalty for disagreeing. It’s doesn’t mean you’re evil. It just means that you’re wrong.
For this list I had some help from First Thoughts readers. You can hold me responsible for the first 37, while the remaining items are identified by the name of the contributor.
Here are 50 things a man should never do:
1. Get a “mani-pedi”—There may be situations in which a man is warranted in getting a manicure. There may also be situations where a man’s toenails get so out of control that a wife-mandated pedicure is a condition of staying married. But there are few legitimate reasons for getting both at the same time. And even if you do, there is no excuse for referring to the procedures as a “mani-pedi.” There just isn’t.
2. Wear an item of clothing simply because it’s “ironic.”
3. Cheat on your wife, taxes, or golf scorecard.
4. Ask a woman, “Why can’t you be more like ____________?”
5. Tell anyone about the time your buddy broke down and cried.
6. Tug on Superman’s cape. Spit into the wind. Pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger. Mess around with Jim.
7. Leer creepily.
8. Punch a woman for any reason other than to prevent her from causing another human being serious bodily harm.
9. Punch an animal for any reason other than to prevent them from causing another human being serious bodily harm.
10. Punch a kitten for any reason.
11. Admit to watching any movie on the Lifetime channel.
12. Know the complete lyrics to a Lady Gaga song.
13. Criticize another man’s wife in front of him.
14. Pierce any part of your body.
15. Care about fashion. (It’s okay to care about style, but not fashion. There’s a difference.)
16. Be drunk in public.
17. Post drunken pictures—of yourself or anyone else—on Facebook.
18. Spend more than three hours a week playing video games.
19. Expect praise for doing what you’re supposed to do (e.g., take care of your kids, clean up your own messes, work for a living).
20. Show fear in front of a dog or small child.
21. Sit while a pregnant woman has to stand.
22. Forget where you came from or who helped you to get where you are.
23. Invest your life savings in a company whose business model you don’t understand.
24. Attempt to impress a girl by joining any group that requires a serious commitment (the Marines, the Peace Corps, Orthodox Judaism).
25. Eat fried Twinkies any place outside a State Fair.
26. Use the bathroom in front of any woman that isn’t a nurse (including your wife).
27. Refer to oneself as a “playa.”
28. Shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
29. Lie to a kid by telling them they can be anything they want to be. (Most likely, they can’t.)
30. Give yourself a haircut.
31. Correct someone’s grammar unless (a) you are asked to do so, or (b) getting paid to do so, (c) the person is both under the age of eighteen and your own kid.
32. Be afraid to work hard.
33. Embarrass a father in front of his children.
34. Cry while watching any movie other than Old Yeller, Brian’s Song, or Rudy.
35. Go more than a year without reading a book.
36. Take cues about sex, marriage, fatherhood, or masculinity from watching popular movies and television shows.
37. Stop and ask for directions when a woman is in the car.
David Wells
38. Do not blame others or circumstances for their own mistakes.
39. Allow a bully to go unchallenged in any situation
Virginia Randall
40. Undertip.
41. Break their word.
42. Lie to themselves.
T.B Root
43. Wear clothes emblazoned with cartoon characters.
44. Make vulgar displays of hyper/pseudo-masculinity, etc.
Craig Payne
45. Have to have the last word.
46. Wear too-short or too-tight shorts.
47. Get upset when women tease them. (Yes, women can say things about men that men can’t say about women. That’s the way it is.)
48. Take the feminist movement too seriously, but neither do they despise it. (It had some good points.)
John O’Herron
49. Ridicule the sport preferences of other men by saying that it “Isn’t a real sport.”
50. Curse in public
July 30th, 2010 | 1:54 am
“18. Spend more than three hours a week playing video games.”
Proposed amendment: insert “zero”; delete “three”.
If that is refused, then amend the description thus: “Spend more than three hours a week clicking buttons and shouting at a screen, while your wife assumes your fatherly responsibilities.” Let’s be honest about this, at least.
Also, the list of acceptable tear-inducing movies is highly subjective, and, in the case of “Rudy,” ludicrous. The subjectivity, perhaps, is inevitable. The other problem can be solved by dropping that Notre Dame promotional video.
July 30th, 2010 | 7:31 am
So I can’t cry at the heart breaking decision of Mr. Incredible to not let his family join in the fight (denying them their rightful place and duties, their very selves) because he (the strongest man in the world) is not strong enough to bear their loss?
That gets me teary every time. And then he chooses to submit his will to theirs…I get teary all over again.
July 30th, 2010 | 8:03 am
I offer an exception to 18. When you are playing with your son and in voice communication. Skype counts. Nothing like taking out hordes of Zergs with your son’s Terran Marines alongside yours.
July 30th, 2010 | 8:29 am
Curry favor with the more powerful to the disadvantage of the less powerful. Even if it’s to help your family.
July 30th, 2010 | 8:44 am
There’s a ton of stuff missing.
Quickly:
At Least Five Things Men Should Never Do:
1. Give birth. (It’s just wrong.)
2. Tell Osama bin Laden that he “looks cute in that hat.”
3. Refer to the police officers escorting you home after a night of binge-drinking as “your peeps.”
4. Declaim in a loud, stentorian voice, “Bring me my mullet.”
5. Lip-sync “Islands in the Stream” by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers on a first date.
One quick note: As for #28, what if you wanted to watch him die AND he owed you $11?
July 30th, 2010 | 8:49 am
Re: #26
I’m sure my wife would suggest amending nurse to “healthcare provider,” unless you want to imply that women aren’t physicians. I know I won’t make make that mistake again.
and also, re: “use the bathroom”
51. Use unnecessary euphemisms
July 30th, 2010 | 9:22 am
18. Spend more than three hours a week playing video games.
Even on this, the release week of Starcraft II?
July 30th, 2010 | 9:32 am
34. Cry while watching any movie other than Old Yeller, Brian’s Song, or Rudy.
Sorry- but this list is woefully incomplete:
Mr. Roberts and Gunga Din come immediately to mind.
One of my favorite memories of early adulthood, that time when a young man struggles to control the wild horses of bathos and bravado, was being out at the local bar the night they announced that Henry Fonda had died. My friends and I, who had been raised by real fathers, many of whom had served in WWII, knew exactly what to do. Glasses were raised, eyes teared up, and the toast was given- “Good night, Mr. Roberts.”
July 30th, 2010 | 10:08 am
Great list, but I can’t believe you forgot the most important thing of all. Never ever, except in a public bathroom for men, leave the toilet seat up. Observe that rule 999 times but forget it the 1000th, and you’ll come to grief!
July 30th, 2010 | 10:09 am
Have to agree with Tim J… What’s really so bad about video games? The better ones have some interesting exercises in strategic thinking, resource allocation, navigation, etc. Still childish, perhaps, like any game, but is it any worse than watching TV? Seems to me like playing video games (again, the better ones, not necessarily all of them) engages the mind in a way that passively watching sports doesn’t.
July 30th, 2010 | 10:09 am
Yeah I think the three hour videogame limit is a bit of a low blow. I play videogames but rarely watch TV. Surely that has to balance out karmically.
I take the broad view. Some men join sports leagues. Some develop a hobby. Some garden. Some do Civil-War reenactments. Others play videogames.
We can argue about how productive any of those activities are, but I wouldn’t dare put a *time-limit* on any of them.
July 30th, 2010 | 10:11 am
34. Cry while watching any movie other than Old Yeller, Brian’s Song, or Rudy.
To follow Matt, add Glory to the list.
July 30th, 2010 | 10:11 am
Okay, let’s see…
2. Wear an item of clothing simply because it’s “ironic.”
i think this should be acceptable until sophomore year in college.
4. Ask a woman, “Why can’t you be more like ____________?”
That reminds me, why can’t my girlfriend be more like my mom/previous girlfriend?
5. Tell anyone about the time your buddy broke down and cried.
I will go along with this as long as I get to tell the world about all the times, including this morning, when I came home from work to find my roommate in bed wearing nothing but a t-shirt after a night of heavy drinking.
10. Punch a kitten for any reason.
Punching kittens helps relax me.
34. Cry while watching any movie other than Old Yeller, Brian’s Song, or Rudy.
I cried during The Elephant Man.
49. Ridicule the sport preferences of other men by saying that it “Isn’t a real sport.”
Eh, that’s what guys do. I’m 6’7, so basketball is obviously cooler than baseball. Go Nuggets!
50. Curse in public
If there aren’t any kittens around to punch, you NEED to curse in public.
July 30th, 2010 | 10:20 am
Patrick,
Any sports fan will tell you that watching sports is not a passive activity. And really, this statement here,
“What’s really so bad about video games? The better ones have some interesting exercises in strategic thinking, resource allocation, navigation, etc.”
Time to look for a girlfriend!
July 30th, 2010 | 10:27 am
Sean reminds me of something I wish I had known: new brides don’t want to know how their recipes compare to those of your mother.
July 30th, 2010 | 10:55 am
Ken, you’ve got hold of the women’s list of what men shouldn’t do. All that is still in negotiation.
#29 is so right. Men should not be like Barney the Dinosaur. Barney the Dinosaur should not be like Barney the Dinosaur.
I would add: Men do not encourage young people in the arts. A man’s roll is to warn young people about the arts.
And I would also add: Men do not look fleetingly at their reflections in passing windows. If a man needs to check out the state of his hair, etc., he stops square on and looks directly. (And this is best done in a restroom.)
July 30th, 2010 | 10:58 am
7. Leer creepily.
Proposed amendment:
7. Leer.
After all, if you’re leering, it’s already creepy. But if you protest,
7. Leer at anyone besides his wife.
July 30th, 2010 | 11:03 am
Never:
- Read a book with a map of its world on the flyleaf.
- Order barbecue at a place that serves anything else.
- Play GOLF more than three hours a week (if we video-game enthusiasts must suffer, you’re coming with us).
July 30th, 2010 | 11:12 am
34. Cry while watching any movie other than Old Yeller, Brian’s Song, or Rudy.
You forgot “Shane”. “Come back, Shane!”
July 30th, 2010 | 11:25 am
#26 needs to be excepted to include wife in case of advanced age or recuperation from severe illness or surgery. There’s no reason a wife can’t be a caregiver (in fact it’s preferable where possible), but “using the bathroom” casually in front of one’s wife when not absolutely necessary is a no-no.
July 30th, 2010 | 11:42 am
Great list. And last week’s (which I did not read until today) was good, too.
Re: #31- correcting grammar. I am sorry, but if some pompous jerk is pontificating on something about which he thinks he knows everything there is to know; or if someone (like the guy I carpool with [or should I say with whom I carpool]) rants on about how bad George Bush’s misuse of the English language is, and he breaks a grammar rule, then I deem it my right to pop his balloon and put him in his place.
July 30th, 2010 | 12:00 pm
We may not be able to punch kittens, but at least we can still juggle them.
July 30th, 2010 | 12:26 pm
I sheepishly ask for an exception for #43 for this t-shirt:
http://snipurl.com/zzz8m
July 30th, 2010 | 1:08 pm
#18 Spend more than three hours a week playing video games.
Does this mean I get an unlimited time pass since I play CCGs? 8^D
Then again, I get about 4 hours in after the kids go to bed with the guys once a week and that seems to fit the balance nicely.
July 30th, 2010 | 1:12 pm
18. Spend more than three hours a week playing video games.
I should note that my wife made me include that one after tiring of my epic 12-hour Civ IV marathons.
July 30th, 2010 | 1:25 pm
Re #18 and Mr. Carter’s explanation, I would add to the list “Never admit that one’s wife ‘made me do something’”…maybe especially when it comes to video games. These lists are great and the comments (mine excluded, of course) as interesting. Thanks.
July 30th, 2010 | 1:33 pm
re: #30
The manliest men I’ve ever known–including my grandfather-in-law, after whom we named our firstborn, who was a Marine in 14 first-wave strikes in the Pacific theater, who was 6’6″, who dairy farmed and raised 8 fine hard-working children–
cut his own hair.
And so do most of his sons, nephews and grandsons.
If you’ve got the clippers, how hard is the basic high-and-tight?
July 30th, 2010 | 1:49 pm
argh, I’ve got terrible grammar. (luckily, I know all of you men are too manly to publicly reprove me for it)
Gaming is like drinking and should be treated with the same care.
I admire those men who can find other ways to relate, but our culture doesn’t afford many other options.
July 30th, 2010 | 2:14 pm
Yeah, I have to object to #30. If one is balding and does the universal shave (even with an attachment), I think it’s unmanly to *not do it yourself. I have saved a ton of money, which is really the most manly thing ever.
July 30th, 2010 | 2:22 pm
@Joe Carter
“I should note that my wife made me include that one after tiring of my epic 12-hour Civ IV marathons.”
Epic 12-hour Civ IV marathons are exactly why the limit should not be included.
By the way, Civ V comes out this fall. Any possible 3 hour rule will be broken en masse.
July 30th, 2010 | 2:40 pm
Come on, RTS games (real time strategy games for the uninitiated) are kind of like chess on steroids. I like watching sports, especially a good hockey game, but playing a good RTS invloves much more than watching any TV show or movie. and yes, I do have StarCraft II! And I often play the kids over my network, which makes it even better.
July 30th, 2010 | 3:10 pm
Hersey – Dad’s copy of Lord of the Rings has a map of Middle Earth in its flyleaf. I consider this a complete refutation. Also, of course, there must be an exception if the man is reading the book out loud to a child.
July 30th, 2010 | 3:23 pm
You can cry at the end of “Saving Private Ryan” when the old veteran asks his wife to tell him that he’s lead a good life. (This is a good movie to show any potential spouse to explain to them how men feel about certain things.)
You can also cry upon hearing a respectful rendering of the hymn “Jerusalem” You know the song, “And did those feet in ancient times…”. You cry if for no other reason than a once great empire’s gone sissy.
July 30th, 2010 | 4:43 pm
Some corollaries to rule 15:
Never wear plaid pants at any time except on a golf course.
Never wear pants that are intentionally designed to expose portions of the gluteus maximus to the casual gaze of children or members of the fairer sex.
Never wear a beret except as a symbol of membership in an elite military unit.
July 30th, 2010 | 5:15 pm
I have to disagree with @S.L. Hersey about reading a book with a map of its world on the flyleaf.
I’ve read (and listened to) Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings more times than I can remember, and I’ve learned a lot about what it means to be a man from those pages.
If you don’t know what I mean, read LOTR and then meditate on how Aragorn, Gandalf, and Faramir live and act.
P.S. Don’t even go close to the Peter Jackson films for such information. He totally missed it.
July 30th, 2010 | 6:54 pm
Ken, you’ve got hold of the women’s list of what men shouldn’t do. All that is still in negotiation.
Gosh, you’re right. I repent!
July 30th, 2010 | 7:29 pm
Ken: ALWAYS leave the toilet seat up. This pseudo-feminist nonsense has gone on long enough. Also, NEVER wear those silly, colorful pajama-style casual pants (or whatever they are) out in public, even if your wife thinks they are cute. NEVER wear shorts and a T-shirt to Mass, even if you want to get a head start to the beach. ALWAYS have a nice pair of Dickies available for the appropriate occasion. NEVER watch a Barbara Walters interview.
July 30th, 2010 | 8:23 pm
Great list. I laughed the most at #28, never shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
July 30th, 2010 | 10:39 pm
I thought about 1/3 of the 50 things men should do was superfluous. However, I agree that no man should do any of these 50 things.
July 31st, 2010 | 8:12 am
A man never refers to his wife as “the Boss”. And, let’s face it, a real man never goes to the movies. Movies are for women, children and the terminally immature. If you want to watch “The Bridge on the River Kwai” or “Breaker Morant” on DVD, I guess thats OK.
July 31st, 2010 | 10:56 am
Great list & comments.
(a) As for kittens, they should never be punched, but enjoyed in their blendered Catsup form.
(2) I agree with Chuck on LOTR: not all manly men exist in reality– and Tolkien would know all about loss, self-sacrifice and manly stuff from the horrors of the First War.
(iii) Baldness is a hair-do that’s best done by yourself. Never refer to it as a hair-do, however.
(d) Never mix up the bullet-forms of a list.
(5) Men are hard on the outside, but with soft centres– crying at movies is acceptable if you’re at home, or it’s The Passion, or Jesus of Nazareth.
and finally
(vi) Men should never sit and bitch about the world without being willing to do something about it. It’s our calling.
July 31st, 2010 | 11:48 am
A man doesn’t change his vocal delivery just because he’s now talking about God.
This includes in the pulpit.
(Show this to your minister, please. The reformation has to start somewhere.)
July 31st, 2010 | 11:51 am
P.S. I can’t figure out which is worse: the screamers or the whispery, breathy types. From about three-quarters of what’s on TV, no wonder the world thinks Christians are crazy.
July 31st, 2010 | 1:03 pm
@Binks, WebElf
I saw what you did there. That made reading most of this completely worth it.
#99: Thou shalt not invoke any comparison to the pain of childbirth. (Let’s be honest, we probably could, but this falls under the category of “Things who’s consequences must be pondered thoroughly before uttering.” Just because you can say a thing, doesn’t mean it’s going to help your cause.)
#100: (Taken from Teddy Roosevelt himself) “The unforgivable sin is soft hitting. Never hit if you can help it, but never hit softly.
August 1st, 2010 | 5:25 am
Whoa, I’m pretty OK except for 34–there are dozens of movies which make me blubber, quietly mind you. Some, like the Sound of Music, get worse every time I see them.
August 1st, 2010 | 5:45 pm
And I suppose now it’s all right to eat quiche?
August 1st, 2010 | 10:49 pm
Ken: ALWAYS leave the toilet seat up. This pseudo-feminist nonsense has gone on long enough.
Hey, today’s my 18th anniversary, and it’s been a very happy one. Don’t disturb the peace!
August 2nd, 2010 | 8:28 am
[...] articles from First Things‘ website this weekend on 50 things a man should be able to do and 50 things a man should never do. Some of the points, though American oriented, are worth a good examination of conscience, and [...]
August 8th, 2010 | 8:05 pm
I cried when Apollo Creed was killed in Rocky 4 and then later on Rocky used his power in the ring to free the people of Russia from Communism……….
August 13th, 2010 | 8:23 am
Men should NEVER wear a green jacket UNLESS they’ve won the Masters.
August 13th, 2010 | 3:10 pm
Men are allowed to choke up at the end of “Field of Dreams.”
August 20th, 2010 | 9:42 am
Manly: Making lists of manly things.
Manlier: Arguing over lists of manly things.
Unmanly: Measuring yourself against someone else’s list of manly things.
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