The Insufficiency of Music

So if you are lonely and wish to meet a girl, and sorry girls I can only speak for males, there are certain songs that could guide you in your endeavor. I only speak from the perspective of masculine failure, so you can take this whole piece as a guide to avoid.

I mention songs because I am not as charming as I think. I need the help of good tunes. I am not a scammer or a weirdo, but I am a weak individual who loves both women and popular music, and who takes seriously what presents itself as love as being what is shown in a pop song. I have little else to guide me by. I suspect that you are like me and wish to meet an attractive woman, and you need whatever help you can get. I am the last person you would want to talk to when it came to meeting a serious woman, in that I find myself alone. Nonetheless I can try to give a pertinent tour through the songs of romance.

I would  honestly like any help from readers on this tour of pop musique l’amour because this is a pretty stupid post.

I know what it means to have the right song playing when you are talking to a girl. You’re probably like me in that you need extra elements to make the mood just right. Not that you’re bad looking or even stupid, but to “hook up” let alone make something real with the right woman requires so many things outside of your own individual capacities that you may wonder why any decent woman would ever be interested in a man like you in the first place.

It is difficult, and you should praise your friends who have found great women without looking to asinine advice like I have to give you, and I give this advice with tongue firmly in cheek. Nonetheless, it reminds me of the Camper Van Beethoven song “ One of These Days .” One of these days, you will have figured (“figured”) it all out. This is a good song from which to begin to woo, as long as it plays in the background.

Okay, you may not wish to think you had it all figured out. You rather lied about your own manliness. You spoke of being an “ outdoor type ” and it didn’t work. Yes, The Lemonheads “The Outdoor Type” is too obvious, but it is good too—in the background.

At this point you are both cynical and ironic. If she is still interested in you, then you’re dong fine.

Gain your confidence and say “I’m a-gonna tell you how it’s gonna be, You’re gonna give your love to me” and think that Buddy Holly was a geek who came from Lubbock, Texas and revolutionized rock and roll. But this song may be too forceful. At this point you are stuck in a conundrum of being too passive in the background or too forceful in the foreground. You may think this whole music manner of seduction is bulls**t, and you wouldn’t be too far from the mark. For you this Buddy Holly song is not working.

If not, then don’t worry. If you need more from the good ol’ American rock and roll song book then it is there for your availability.

If you showed too much manliness that you scared her with Buddy Holly, then you need only retreat at this moment. Find a song that means a lot. It may mean too much, but if you really like her then it could be good. Listen to the Beach Boys “ Wouldn’t It Be Nice .” Everybody likes this song. It’s beautiful.

The bad thing with this song is that she may think you are too serious (if she understands the lyrics) or she thinks you are too shallow (in that everyone likes this song). Either way you’re screwed, but this a good situation to be in.

After all, you are trying to woo, but you’re not wishing to be a sucker. So you get bold beyond Buddy Holly. Now you need to show your independence so you play something like The Stooges’ “ Down on the Street .” At this point you’re a crazy dude, but she asks you whether you listen to any contemporary music. You’re at a loss. You have no idea, so you play something like Gwen Stefani or Katy Perry , but at this point you know you are stretching. You know better than to play Cold Play . So you play Katy Perry . If you went any further, you would be insulting.

At this point you know you are better than the music you could ever play. Music is not all bout wooing, but it can be helpful.

At this point you have to rely on yourself. You realize that having music in common is not the most important thing. But if Katy Perry is what it is, then so be it! You know I’m pretty lame when it comes to contemporary music.

Bach or Mozart or even John Coltrane can come later, although if you had played Johnny Hartman and John Coltrane  from the beginning then perhaps you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble.